The Devil out of Space
by Kokorozec
Summary: With Star's spellbook gone following the events of "Bon Bon", our fair princess falls under the influence of a mysterious demon named Mephistopheles. At the same time, a homicidal alien princess arrives at their doorstep, setting the stage for Star and Marco to be thrust into a conflict beyond the stars that threatens the universe as we know it. May contain Starco.
1. Prologue

It was unusually quiet in the temple.

Granted, there was always an air of silence, out of respect for their Dark Father, but tonight the sheer lack of sound seemed almost surreal. As she sat in contemplation, Yegtresta could have sworn she heard her own organs working. Every breath she make seemed like a focused gust, her little movements making sounds that echoed in the Stygian halls. This was the kind of advanced levels of quiet that weren't normally possible, not under these conditions anyways. Truly, this was another example of His powers. Yegtresta wanted to stop what she was doing entirely, and simply bask in the pure bliss.

And then she sneezed, ruining the mood and snapping her back to reality. In a brief panic, she made a quick mental prayer to the Divine Essence that she might not be stricken down for this insolence, and reached in her bag for her necessary tools. On the other lands, where the mundanes lived, they would use candles for this sort of thing, but those types of fires wouldn't light here. Yegtresta grabbed a potassium tub and dropped a pinch of water on it, promptly causing the whole thing to burst into a purple flame. Having done this sort of thing several times before, she pulled out the chalk and drew the necessary sigils, priding herself at getting most of the circles looking like reasonable circles. Now, it was time for the prayer

"O Dark Father

Bringer of desolation and glory

Hallowed be thy virtue

Thy kingdom come

Darkness come in the name

Of the most prudent light of reason

Grant us in this time of need

Victory over our spiritual affliction

And strike down our foes

As they would strike us down

Lead us not into vanity

But deliver us from flesh

Nema"

The most important part was out of the way. She did another obligatory blood offering, cutting a bit deeper than she meant to, and extinguished the Black Flame with a special ritual incense. This sort of thing was supposed to be holy, but considering how much it stank up the place, Yegtresta wondered how the hell the forces of the Divine enjoyed it. Another theological mystery, she supposed.

With an ejaculation from her underbelly pores, she mixed the fluid resulting with the blood and burnt incense. This would complete the offering. With a final "Naamah Nahemoth Nahema, Liftoach Shaari ha-Sitra Ahra! ", she threw her hands up in the air.

It was now complete. She packed up her tools, left the mixture there to be absorbed by the Dark Father, and slithered out of the temple. Yegtresta was confident she had done her part. Now she need merely wait for Him to reciprocate, one way or another...


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter1: Either witchcraft or something about a banana

"Star? Staaaaaaaaar? Are you going to answer me?"

As expected, no answer came from the usually perky princess of destructive magic. Marco sighed and tried again for the umpteenth time.

"Staaaaaar? I know you kinda want some alone time, but it's been like two days! I know that amount of sedentary behavior is par for the course in America, but I dont think it's healthy for Mewmans, and you've been making the rest of us worried! Plus, I think I left my razor in your room for whatever reason, so I'm going to end up growing facial hair all over again unless you come out."

Marco was prepared to say more, but the dark-blue-haired girl standing next to him chuckled heartily at the remark on facial hair. "Oh please Marco, you and I both know that you're afflicted with eternal babyface"

"S-shut up Janna!" Marco was really not in the mood for any more of this nonsense. "My face is NOT that smooth! I've got a little bit of stubble on my lip and everything! See?"

Janna gave a mischievous smirk. "I dunno Marco...kinda hard to tell. You mind if I lean in?"

With the opportunity to finally prove his manliness, such as it was, Marco momentarily forgot about what he was there for in the first place and decided to indulge her. After all, Janna couldn't possibly pull some prank at a time like this, right?

"Sure, if it proves that I do IN FACT have facial hair. Look at it and weep."

Biiiiiig mistake. He assumed all was well as Janna got closer and momentarily leaned in, but no sooner after he had embraced a state of confident smugness did he suddenly feel a sharp, slimy, and somewhat familiar sensation pressing against his lips. Marco barely had enough time to open his eyes in shock before the sheer unexpectedness of the situation caused him to yelp and tumble over out of surprise. Unfortunately, this merely served to take that beady eyed troll with him, who now looked upon Marco with a mixture of smugness and lust.

"Bwaaah! W-what the actual hell Janna? Wh-"

"Oh come on, Diaz! I DID say I would help you out in return for a favor. I never said that I had to tell you in advance what that favor would be, nor did you bother asking. You should really be more careful with this kind of stuff. And by the way," she added with a sly wink, "you're a surprisingly good kisser"

"Y-you..." Marco started to retort, before suddenly remembering what they were doing in the first place. "Ugh, get off me! You're getting us waaaaay off track over here." He stood back up and brushed himself off, shivering a bit at the memory of what just transpired. "So yeah, back on topic..."

"Oh, right. Yeah, I'll talk to Star. I'm surprised she's not listening to you, but I guess in light of everything that's happened..." She cut herself off before she could finish, leaving Marco a bit confused. Did he do something that made Star angry at her? He couldn't really think of a reason.

"Look, I know that you're basically her best friend. Besides me I guess. If she's going to listen to anyone, it's going to be you. You girls have some weird way of talking sense into each other anyways that I cant comprehend."

Janna laughed again. "That's called having a higher capacity for empathy, Marco. It's okay, in time maybe you'll be able to learn the higher ways of girls too. I'll be here to help you if-"

"Janna!"

"I know, I know. Sheesh, somebody's no fun..."

With that last remark, Janna finally went up the stairs to do what she came here to do in the first place. Marco could only hope that this worked, because he couldn't think of anything else save for forcefully dragging her out of her room. And that would probably get him killed, what with the wand and everything.

* * *

C'mon, this time she had to get it right. Sure, she'd remembered the spell wrong a bazillion times before, but this time she felt lucky. Or was that desperation? Either way, she was bound to get the incantation right. Here went nothing...

"Poopoo Bengali Negro!"

Instead of having the intended effect, whatever she thought it might be, the wand simply exploded raspberry jelly all over the room. Again.

This was never going to work. First she lost Marco, then she lost Glossaryck and that book, and now she couldn't even get her spells right. Star Butterfly resigned to continue her sulking. Ever since the incident with the whole dead clown séance and the school dance, her happy demeanor had been replaced with feeling like utter garbage. She had failed harder than that one time she tried to aim for the toilet from a 50 meter range back when she was 11, and that was a pretty hard fail. It took WEEKS to get that smell out.

Point being, she had messed up, and not just one of her usual stunts where she blew something up, but she had not only let her spell book be taken by that bird monster Ludo, but her own jealousy had royally screwed things up for everyone around her. After a day of contemplation, she had resolved that she would not rest until she righted those wrongs, and the first step to doing that was growing powerful enough to kick the crap out of Ludo and get the book. Then maybe cast a spell on Marco or something...

As she was lost in thought, a sudden knock at the door jarred her back to reality. "Ugh...go away Marco. Leave me alone to wallow in my mediocrity already..."

But yet, the fist banging on her door was not that of Marco, but of her friend Janna.

"Yo, Star? You alright in there? A particular red-hoodied teenager who lives with you is quite concerned about your recent behavior."

Star gave a heavy sigh. At least Marco wasn't talking to her directly, so she could manage this. "Mmmph...come in if you want" she mumbled out, sounding half asleep.

Janna entered the room to find what could be best described as a sugar catastrophe, with various fruit based substances and narwhals splattered haphazardly as a result of failed spells. In the center of it all, there was Star, who looked as though she probably hadn't even showered today. Or yesterday.

"Urrrf...just gotta keep trying, I'll remember that stupid spell eventu-" she said before collapsing onto the bed

"Yeah, uh, Star? As much as I dislike interrupting someones..." she gave a nervous chuckle, "food rituals or whatever, maaaaaybe you should try returning to the world? Marco says you haven't even left your room since that incident."

This remark caused Star to show the first strong emotion other than depression this week, indignation. "Excuse you! I've been out and around, more or less. For meals. It's not like we've had school or anything, something about turkeys or whatever..." Her emotions quickly flattened to her base state of glumness and she sulked back into the bed. "I just dont know what to do anymore"

Janna gave a sigh of sympathy. "Yeah, I'll admit, having BonBon just die that anti-climactically really bangled my bungles."

Really, at this point, she felt she should have expected the layer of insensitive joking before actual comfort, but it still made Star annoyed, especially this time around. She gave a quick glare at Janna and grunted, leaving the goth chick to change her tone

"Ayy! I was just kidding!" She sat down besides Star, which made Star rather irritated at the close proximity of physical contact, but she was too tired to do anything, so Janna just sat there undisturbed.

"Look, I know, that whole thing with that bird monster...whatever thingy, I forget what it's called, and that book being stolen have kinda hit you hard. But you cant beat yourself up over it! Forcing yourself into rigorous training is only going to-"

Star gave another audible grumble. "Ugh, it's not just the book! It's...uh, you know..." She struggled to get the words out, but it had been pulsing in her mind nonstop, ever since that night. Actually, now that she thought about it, this was something building up inside her for a long time. She just hadn't noticed it until recently.

"Know what?"

"Huh? N-nothing!" Crap, she'd almost said too much already. At this rate, Marco was going to find out in a few days tops.

"Well, whatever it is that's bothering you in addition to the monster-stealing-book fiasco, I dont think that it's going to be solved being a hermit in your room and doing..." she gestured to the radioactive raspberry pile next to Star's bed, "whatever the hell this is."

"It's not that simple Janna! This wasn't just some monster attack that went bad, this was something that was my fault. It's entirely my fault...Glossaryck, the book, Mar-"

Fuck not again. Maybe she could change the topic before Janna could say anything.

"Look, even supposing I could go back to socializing and being all happy like normal, what's that going to do? I guess you're right in that being depressed isn't going to do anything, but without that book, I'm kinda lost. And it's not like there are books of magic on earth."

"Eeeeeeeh, funny you should mention that," Janna's eyes lit up as she saw the opportunity to finally put her occult knowledge to good use, "but as it happens, earth isn't COMPLETELY devoid of magical texts that aren't a bunch of gimmicky bullcrap. As someone with an, ahem, extensive collection of grimoires, esoteric writings, and general weirdness located in Marco's locker, Marco's sock drawer, that one hiding spot I have beneath Marco's bed, and in my bedroom, I can-"

"Under his BED?" Star leaned in and gave Janna the narrow eyes of suspicion, "I sure hope you aren't using that for lewd and unsavory purposes...right?"

"Whaaaaaaat? Oh, no, I haven't done that for months." She quickly realized this wasn't alleviating anything. "Besides, I have much better things to do with my time than watch Marco get dressed."

Star didn't look any less fazed

"Uuuuuh, back on topic, there are things that can help you here on earth. True, they're generally rarer than on Mewni, and most people that make them are either charlatans, bisexual Italian fascists, or a group of bored college girls, but occasionally you get something that actually works." Janna gave another characteristic smirk. "And I think I know just the book that'll do the trick."

For the first time in days, Star visibly displayed the emotion of joy that was standard to her being. She practically leaped out of bed, giving Janna a surprise squeeze. "Really? Thank you sooooo much! I didn't know you guys had real working magic here too other than gimmicky clown stuff! Showmeshowmeshowmeshowme-"

"Aaaah, yeah, but one thing" Janna said, gently squirming her way out of Star's hug, "if we're going to do this, you're going to have to come out of your room and stop being a hermit. If not for my sake, than at least for that of Marco." Her expression turned to solemn seriousness, which was quite uncommon for her. "You know, he really cares about you, and it's kinda unfair of you to just shut him out like that. I wouldn't even be over here if it weren't for the fact that Marco kept pestering me about getting you out of your slump."

Star tried and failed to suppress a blush. "Marco brought you over? That's..." she trailed off, overcome by that strange fuzzy feeling in her gut. "A-alright, I'll come out of my room and try to go back to my jumpy cheery self. Maybe some high quality viiiiiibes will help me get that book back." She giggled a little bit. "Oh, and uh, Janna?"

Janna was in the process of opening the door, ready to abscond. "Yes?"

"Next time you decide to spy on Marco, take pictures for me. I've always wanted to study human bedroom rituals."


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: That boring stuff which leads up to the plot

Ah, Echo Creek high school. A wonderful place full of everything you'd expect to find in a building designed to imprison horny teenagers for the better part of half the day: romance, boredom, stress, broken glass, that creepy dude sitting in the corner dealing meth. And today, the halls featured a very important and philosophical argument between the great minds of Marco Diaz and Ferguson. Let's drop on in:

"I'm telling you, it's just not possible no matter how you word it. Salad dressings do not work on omelets! It's just not done!"

"That's where you're wrong, Marco my boy! For I've heard over in the midwest, they're quite fond of putting sour cream on their omelets. It's a sort of delicacy, or whatever."

Woops, my mistake.

By now, Marco was flabbergasted. If anything got to him, it was Seinfeldian conversations, especially ones with Ferguson. "W-WHAT? Sour cream is NOT a salad dressing, like, anywhere!"

Ferguson chuckled. "You're just not getting creative enough with your salads. I tell ya, in the far off lands of Zimbabwe, people-"

"I'm pretty sure people dont eat ANYTHING in Zimbabwe, much less-" Thankfully, at that moment, Marco spotted Janna walking by. Although he usually wasn't fond of her antics, she might at least be able to get this fatass over here to shut up about sour cream. "Thank Christ on a bicycle! Janna, help me out here. This..." he leered at Ferguson before continuing, "HERETIC, over here, believes that sour cream goes on salads! Tell him like it is."

Normally, Janna would be more than happy to get people to stop being stupid, but considering the victim in this case was Marco, she decided to play things out a little bit. "That depends, what kind of salad are we talking about? Because I hear in Zimbabwe-"

Before she could continue, Janna found herself interrupted by the sound of Marco slamming his head repeatedly against his locker.

"Sweet, looks like I win!" And with that, he waddled off to prove that there are, in fact, 8 genders to his biology class, in which he would be subsequently punched in the face.

With that over with, Marco's day was fairly uneventful. Miss Skullnik was a pain in the ass, as usual. Alphonso kept trying to throw his voice but failed miserably each time, yet his determination to get it right only grew with each passing failure. And as always, some idiot decided to mess with the pet lizard and had to be hospitalized. Same old same old.

Two particularly unusual events were noted by Marco towards the end of the school day, which was already an accomplishment considering how used he got to everything being weird as shit around these parts, what with the magical princess and everything. The first was largely just an incident of interest rather than something concerning; some guy came into school around 3pm, with the eyes of a madman, ranting about some "falling star" and "oozing, slithering death". He glanced over at Star, wondering if she had anything to do with this, but from the expression on her face she was just as confused. The crazy man mentioned something about "seeing the galaxy as prey" before the police finally arrived and sedated him. Apparently, he was some homeless guy from the next city over. Must have just spontaneously lost his mind.

Speaking of Star, that happened to be the second weird thing Marco noticed about his day. In fact, it wasn't just this day, but for the past few. And it wasn't just about the whole "all powerful spellbook nabbed by evil bird demon thing" issue, this was...different. He couldn't pin down why, but Star had been growing increasingly nervous around him, and in the past few days acting more distant. It seemed to coincide with the night Ludo got his victory, but it felt like a distinct emotion. Whatever the case, the girl in question was walking down the hall towards his locker, chatting it up with Janna as per usual, so he figured he might as well see what's up.

"Hey Star! How's it going?" was all that he was able to get out before noticing Star's face quickly turning red and her eyes darting around. Which was quickly obscured by Janna's huge grin and swelling eyeballs as she anticipated her greeting. "...and Janna" he added.

As she had done the previous couple of days, Star turned slightly red in the face and stammered a bit before giving her usual big grin and returning the greeting, which was immediately cut off by Janna announcing that she put a smoke bomb in someone's locker with a stupid grin on her face.

"Riiiiiiiiight" said Marco, casually trying to ease himself away from any more information on that. "Lucky for us Star, tonight's edition of Bad Movie Night is going to be a hit! Found this thing lying around called Manos: The Hands of Fate. Or something along those lines. Supposedly it's the worst horror movie since Alone in the Dark!"

As much as Star genuinely wanted to witness a travesty in the field of horror, she noticed Janna glancing at her, reminding her of their plans for the evening. "Eeeeh, sorry Marco. That sounds really, really fun and all, but I kiiiiiiiinda sorta maybe whatever promised Janna I'd hang out with her tonight?" She forced a smile "For recovery purposes!"

"You two were having bad movie night WITHOUT me?" Surprisingly, Janna seemed genuinely despondent that she was missing out on watching crappy movies. And not just as an excuse to fondle Marco when he's not paying attention. "Erm, I mean, right! We've got magical stuff planned with this hippopotamus tooth I found! It has a 1 in 3 chance of exploding!"

Marco decided not to question this any further. It was probably for the best, considering how if he learned what Star was REALLY doing, he would insist on tagging along, and Star couldn't handle being around Marco for long periods of time. At least, not until she worked out her feelings...

"Alrighty then" Marco sighed, "I'm glad you're at least getting back to your old self! Maybe we can just watch it some other time, when you're feeling up to it"

"Call me when you get bored, Diaz! I'll entertain you with THESE hands of fate..." Janna suddenly felt an elbow jab into her side. "Ack! I was just kidding Star, calm down."

And with that, the two of them walked off to Janna's house, while Marco went the other direction, both soon encountering a night of vastly different shenanigans. Marco would put off watching the worst movie ever for much of the evening, that is, until Jackie dropped by unexpectedly. Needless to say, they were both horribly traumatized.

As for Star and Janna, they enjoyed a less traumatic evening of video games and copious amounts of dr pepper and sugar burritos. Janna was quick to declare them a heresy after making the very poor decision of trying one, but Star didn't mind one bit, as long as there was more for her. The less than dynamic duo followed this up with more games, attempting to wrap their heads around why Letsplayers exist, and some obligatory giggling over Marco's weird quirks. For the first time since that incident, Star actually felt happy thinking about him.

This moment of tranquility was interrupted rather rudely by the return of Janna's mom from a bar she went to last night, or possibly the evening before. Intoxicated as all get out, she started yelling incomprehensibly at Janna's dad, followed by the lovely sounds of parents fighting. All this commotion snapped the two of them out of their fantasy zone and propelled them to get to work. Locking themselves in Janna's private bookroom, which was more of a converted office space that her mom never used any more, the search for a magical text began.

"Oooh, how about this one Janna? Will this one work?"

Janna took a look at what Star was holding and gave a shrug. "Uh, I dont think The Lesser Key of Solomon is going to be particularly useful, unless you guys have Jesus on your planet."

"Who?" Star raised an eyebrow.

"My point is proven. You're gonna wanna try looking for something less grounded in earth theology and has actual magical advice."

This whole "search for a new magical text" quest proved to not be as easy as previously conceived, as Star was beginning to realize. If a book was even translatable into human language, it was either a novelty item, psuedomagical nonsense used to fleece the unsuspecting, or in a few cases just a front for certain far right ideologies. Another book caught her eye, this one with a bunch of neat little stars on it.

"Look look look! A Necronomicon! I've heard about this back on Mewni, it-"

"You're gonna have to be more specific Star. There's like, six of those. And for the record, the only one that works, I have locked away under Marco's bed. Because the last time I tried using it, it almost ripped the sky in half. And I'm not up for ending the world juuuuuuuuust yet"

"What about...this one? "Ride the Tiger". A tiger would help me defeat Ludo!

Janna snatched the book away. "Ahah, no, this one's crap. Dont know why I have it around"

Star responded with perhaps the most adorable pouty face known to the universe. "Aww, but I wanna learn how to ride a tiger!"

"Trust me Star, this is not a tiger you want to ride."

"Uuuuuugh, is ANYTHING going to work here?" She was about to complain more, but at this moment Star lost balance, tripping into the bookshelf and causing a strange tome to auspiciously fall to the floor. Unlike the other books, this one appeared to have a black, scaly cover, smelled like extremely old paper, and featuring a prominent sigil in gold that appeared to be some sort of eleven-pointed star, with various other symbols around it that she couldn't comprehend. The title of the book, also in gold film, was in an antiquated font, so she had to pick it up and look closely to figure out what it said.

"Codex...Tetragrammeton? Hey Janna, what about this one?"

Janna's facial expression turned quizzical. She normally was up to speed on all the esoterica that filled her library, but for whatever reason, this book completely slipped her mind. "Uuuh, that one? Tell you the truth, I dont think I've read that before. I do remember I got it from some nut at a Renaissance Fair a while back, but I cant find any information about the book online, and it doesn't seem to be recorded in the Library of Congress."

Not at all put off by the mysteriousness, the magical princess's eyes widened. "Does that mean...it's got REAL MAGIC?"

"Possibly?" Thinking back, she remembered she did peak into it once, but for whatever reason was overcome with a sense of dread after reading it for half an hour and put it back on her shelf. "Buuuut I'm not sure if that one's sa-"

"Oooh oooh! Look at this!" Star was already wizzing through the book, stopping on the pages that had the most pictures. " 'Patron Deities'. What does that mean?"

"In your case, I suppose it means a replacement mentor for...whoever that guy was in your book with the pudding fetish. Seriously, you can get a LOT out of him by feeding him pudding. He even told me the location of Marco's-"

At this point, Janna found herself being on the receiving end of "are you kidding me" beams from the princess, and thus decided not to go into detail. That would wait for later.

Despite the multitude of guides with every form imaginable, Star and Janna soon found out that almost none of these "patron saints" were helpful in any aspect. Of those that weren't outright dead (which was a good chunk of them, according to the book), most of the active entities were aloof at best and downright hostile at worst. One of them had its name blotted out entirely, along with most of its description, and written over in an incomprehensible text that appeared to be some kind of warning. Needless to say, they skipped that one too.

"Akhenaten Zalistar Tetragrammeton...patron saint of superconductors? The heck's a superconductor Janna?"

"Not what we're looking for" she replied.

"Hmmm, this one's pretty cute looking! Yahweh Mewtini Tetragrammeton..."

"Star, it literally says right below the description that he's the patron saint of stupidity. I guess it's not too surprising that he's alive and kicking, but he's going to be even less help."

"But he's so cute! Look at those little fluffy ears! Speaking of fluffy ears, this one-"

"-Clearly states right below its picture that its actively hostile to all intelligent life that isn't...Paxvian? Is that some kind of alien thing?"

Star sighed. This was clearly headed nowhere, and she needed something helpful fast if she wanted to get strong enough to beat Ludo and rescue Glossaryck. But pretty much every entity in these pages was either dead, unhelpful, or explicitly labeled as being "absolute douchebags" (not an exaggeration either, that's literally how the book described a couple of the beings). She was right about to try another book, when suddenly she eyed a page that seemed a little more detailed than the rest.

Instead of a picture of the deity, there was merely a complicated sigil, consisting of a goat's head, several pointed angels, and the number 218 imprinted in the upper part of the circle. As she read more, she discovered that there was more that was different about this creature than just its picture.

"Huh...Melek Taus Pentagrammeton. More commonly known as Mephistopheles. Emissary to Sitra Ahra, enemy of the Tetragrammetons, something about ambition and power...hey Janna! I think this guy might actually be helpful!"

"Well, let's see here..." Janna held the book up closely, her face turning into an expression that resembled a cross between fascination and concern. "It's got a bunch of spooky angles, no picture, features a goat's head, is labeled as an enemy of everything else in this book, and to top it off, _the guy has "pentagram" in its name_! This thing literally sets off every red flag in the book." To emphasize her point, she pulled a book off the shelf labeled "Red Flags for Demonic Entities That Are Likely to Screw You Over".

"Sooo...you're saying-"

"Let's go for it."

The more sensible of you might be wondering what in Sam hell is wrong with these characters. After all, who else but a bunch of genre blind idiots would try to summon up something with so many devilish markings? The first thing I would wish to point out is that it's very easy to play the voice of reason when you're sitting at home, in your basement, on your computer, Mountain Dew and chips by your side as you waste your time reading fanfiction on the internet. The reader should perhaps first consider that they are not in a situation where important magical artifacts are being held hostage by a 2 foot tall kappa with a god complex and a chip on his shoulder, and leave the thinking to the characters in the story, and also that Star and Janna do not have the luxury of hindsight, nor Mountain Dew.

The second point I'd like to make is that no matter how rational the reader may think themselves to be, they would do well to remember that this is earth. And not only earth, but America, a land where common sense is not only absent, it is actively discouraged.

Now, in the time it took me to explain all of those poor justifications, Star and Janna had the room entirely prepped for the summoning of this "Mephistopheles". As it turned out, most of the necessary items were things one could find in an ordinary household, such as salt, red string, raw meat, a human skull, and other such mundane items. Before long, they had a respectable altar set up in Janna's occult library that would make any cultist sit up and take notes. For Janna, it was a simple matter of using her altar to Marco as a template and making it edgier.

With the candles lit, the ring of salt and string forming a protective barrier, the sigils drawn to a reasonable level of correctness, and the ground beef distributed to the appropriate corners and torched, all that was left was the invocation. Star and Janna joined hands and recited the archaic, yet somewhat familiar text.

"Xenlavius! Tauus! Montauk!"

"Xenlavius! Tauus! Montauk!"

Immediately, the beginning chants seemed to have an effect, with the candles turning purple before suddenly extinguishing. Undaunted, the duo continued.

"O dei ire! O dira! Solvet Cosmos In Favilla! Vocamus Te Melek Taus!"

"Hostis Vastanam! Hostis Medicii! Melek Taus illuminati meo!"

The room seemed to shake, and cracks of what could best be described as "shining darkness" appeared in the air above the altar, growing bigger with each word uttered by the two.

"Zazas zazas nasatanada zazas!"

Despite not yet being finished with the invocation, the cracks reached their breaking point, and the room seemed to explode with a purplish, blinding darkness. As Star and Janna were knocked back by the force of the ritual, they were able to glimpse a shining form through the purple, a silloette that seemed far larger than the average human, at least from what they were able to tell.

And to confirm that their spell worked, as they tried to orient themselves, they heard an unfamiliar, booming voice that seemed to come from every direction and inside their bodies. The voice did not condemn, did not proclaim, did not even intentionally announce its presence. Rather, the voice simply said

"Yeah, I'm gonna have to call you back. It looks like another one of _those_ summonings."


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Where the streets have no purpose

 **A/N: The following chapter was based on real events. Some names were changed in order to protect the innocent.**

 _Disgusting_

 _Everything here is disgusting_

 _Low lifeforms without hope of ascending. Caught up in petty morality and the lie of society. An entire species of the mundane. Perfect for subjugation._

 _Why do they keep coming back? I kill them, yet they still care about the cadavers. Fools. That which is dead is dead. The mundanes have a ridiculous level of sentimentality. For now though, it's proving to be a disadvantage. More keep coming. If this keeps up, planet might be aware of my presence._

 _What do I care. Bring on an entire planet of mundanes. They cannot overcome a superior being._

 _Still, world is harsh. Mundanes keep finding me. Perhaps I should move. Find shelter. Practice skills of deception. Make the mundane my host organism. Adapt. Then kill._

 _I will pass this test. I will rule over this world, as the first proof of my glory as future god empress._

 _Next town...Echo Creek...five miles away. Should make it there with time before starrise. Find host family. Subvert. Adapt. Kill. Dominate. The mundanes shall tremble._

* * *

To say the least, he was not impressed

Here he was, embassy to the Kliffotic forces of the world beyond, patron deity of an entire empire, a self made...goat thing, and yet here he was, taking the time out of his day to stand before a couple of teenage girls.

It wouldn't be the first time either. Mephistopheles seemed to have the misfortune of frequently getting summoned by those who aren't religious devotees, or folks that even had a cursory knowledge of esoterica. And when they DID, half the time they turned out to be priests trying to "bind" him or some shit like that. But usually, he was summoned for mundane purposes. He had gotten so used to it, that he even had a series of one liners used to shoot down such requests.

To Janna and Star, this demon certainly looked the part. It was nearly as tall as the room, shined an aura of purple darkness, and even lived up to its sigil by having the head of a goat, with large, twisted horns to go along with it. Whether the rest of its body was goat-like could not be identified, as from the neck down the demon was covered in flowing, dark red robes that stopped a few inches above the ground, giving the impression that he was floating. Overcoming their awe, Janna was the first to attempt to speak, but no sooner did she open her mouth that the entity delivered an "answer".

"Before you ask, no, if you want boyfriends, you're going to do that yourself. It's not my job to improve whatever shit personalities you might have."

Janna gave a confused glance over to Star, who was clearly just as puzzled over why this spirit would assume they were looking for boyfriends. "With all due respect...Mr..."

"Dont call me mister"

"R-right. With all due respect...we're not looking for cheap romance. Or to get ahead with our personal lives at all. At least," she gestured over towards Star, "she's not."

The demon's interest perked, his gaze shifting from "disappointed and slightly irritated" to "mildy intrigued" and his eyes seemed to flash briefly. "In any case, I hope for your sake that this is something important. It's generally not a good idea to waste the time of powerful magical entities."

"It's very important, I assure you!" said Star, "If you would just listen to some of my exposition, Melly, you'll see why-"

"I'm sorry" the demon cut her off, "did you just call me 'Melly'?"

Star chuckled nervously. "Eh, well, yeah! It's kinda hard to remember Meley Taurus Hexagonwhatever. Real mouthful. So I gave you a cute nickname!"

In most circumstances, such levels of insolence would be grounds for immediate smiting. But Mephistopheles was too taken aback by this mortal's sheer gall to do so. Hell, he was almost impressed. Almost.

"Kid, tell me something, are you transgender, by any chance?"

"Uh...what does-"

"Because you got a pretty big pair of balls on you"

Noting the lack of any additional responses, the demon assumed his point went through. "But seriously, no. If you MUST shorten my name, just call me Mephisto. It's what the cool kids call me these-" suddenly, Janna raised her hand as if to ask a question. "What"

"Uh, can I like, ask you things?"

"No" said Mephisto flatly.

"Whaaaa?" Janna held up the Codex Tetragrammeton and opened up to the page of the entity standing before her. "But it says right here that you're charged to answer any questions mortals might-"

"Two things. Firstly, I dont have to do jack shit. I came here of my own volition and I'm only sticking around because blondie over here might have something of interest. Secondly, books on spiritual entities aren't rooted in any hard science, but are at best just suggestions, which quite frankly can be ignored. They might as well be, considering hardly anyone knows how to get the rituals right." The demon glanced down, gazing at the altar in detail, and again his expression and tone softened a bit. "Then again, I AM pretty impressed at how you managed to get an actual skull."

"Thanks! I knew that purchase would come in handy one day!"

Mephisto took a moment of contemplation. "You know what, fine. You can ask me questions. But only three questions. And AFTER I'm done talking to blondie."

"Uuuuh, actually, my name's Star-"

"Geez," he gave a slight chuckle. "They'll name earth kids anything these days"

"Another thing, I'm not from earth. Or human, for that matter. On Mewni, it's actually a pretty respectable name!"

Mephisto seemed to do a double take. Mewni? He'd heard legends about that place, but even he didn't believe that it really existed. None of the others of his kind were able to find anything, so how could it be real? Yet here she was, Star Butterfly, a girl from a nonexistent world. If half the stories about Mewman magic were true...in any case, he would have to get this girl on his side, one way or another.

"Ah! I'm getting ahead of myself." His attitude turned noticeably more polite, at least if his vocal inflection was an indicator. For once, he needed to avoid scaring these people off. "By all means, give hither the exposition. I'm confident we can strike some kind of deal..."

* * *

Around the exact same time, our resident normal human Marco Diaz was not engaging with demonic entities from other dimensions. Nor was he dealing with hordes of monsters, genocidal alien empires, or giant alien worms who think they're the incarnation of the devil. Those would be some other poor sap's problem for the time being. Although, sooner or later, he would deal with something worse than all of these combined: shipping wars.

But for now, he was blissfully unaware of the horrors that awaited him. Unfortunately, that was because he and his new girlfriend Jackie Lynn Thomas were already fully immersed in the aftermath of another horror, that of Manos.

"Oh god...Marco...what kind of monster would make such a movie?" Janna asked agonizingly

Marco was writhing on the floor, shuddering from the past 90 minutes of incomprehensible badness that he had just witnessed. "Aaah...it's too late Jackie! This is a bug hunt man, a bug hunt! Game over man, game over!"

"Uuuuuuuugh...Marco, next time we try to watch a bad movie, promise me you'll bring at least a few other people along to suffer with us." She gave a soft smile, the kind that could make even the darkest situations seem to have a silver lining. It was her specialty, really, and one of the many things Marco loved about her.

"Heh...yeah, I guess so" he said, recovering a little. "What I wouldn't give to see the look on Star and Janna's faces when they have to deal with 90 minutes of 'ThE m-mASter wOULd n-not apPROVE'."

Both of them laughed heartily at that remark. Unfortunately, just as he was beginning to cheer up, Marco was overcome with thoughts of Star, and how she had been acting around him.

"Say, Jackie..." he began, "can I get some advice on something?"

The blonde skater-girl rested her head on Marco's lap, and looked up at him with eyes that seemed to reflect the ocean. "Sure, go ahead! You know I'm always here for you babe"

Marco took a deep breath and sighed. "See, the thing is, it's about Star. She's been acting...I dunno, weird the last few days, especially around me."

"Well, I'm not surprised, she did go through a lot that night with the whole...rat army and portal whatever and getting her magic book stolen by her arch-enemy. That would put a damper in my mood too. I just hope she has a plan to fix it, I hate to see her like this."

"Yeah, I know THAT, but there's some other level to it, for lack of better description." He struggled to find the right words, dealing with complex emotions was never his forte. "It's like...something to do with me specifically. She gets flustered whenever we talk, which didn't used to happen, not until after that night anyways..." A moment of realization hit him. "Wait, do you think this has something to do with us?"

Jackie raised an eyebrow. "Maybe she's feeling left out? I dont know how relationships on Mewni work, but it's possible she thinks you wont have time to hang out with her since you're dating me now."

"I...guess that makes sense. But what can I do about it?"

"Well, try being there for her more, of course." She sat up a little, leaning against the arm of the couch. "You two need to spend some time doing whatever friend things you do, and I'm sure after a little bit of that, she'll realize that this isn't a competition for your attention..."

Jackie sat up the rest of the way, nudging her face against Marco's. "You know, you're really lucky to have such a cool friend. Truth is, I often feel intimidated around her...she's just so, well, amazing! She fires magical beams, fights monsters, can turn into some kind of butterfly monster, and here I am, just some normal human girl."

This was certainly a surprising revelation for Marco, to say the least. His longtime crush, ideal partner, and all around perfect girl Jackie, jealous of Star? He knew that Star was pretty damn cool, to say the least, but she never thought of Jackie as being insecure in the slightest. Before she could say more, Marco softly kissed her on the lips, letting the soft sensation melt their troubles away.

"Jackie, there's a good reason I had a crush on you for so long. I mean, hell, you're funny, calm under pressure, exciting, attractive...and besides, you really shouldn't be comparing yourself to Star. Sure, Star is amazing, no doubt about it. But you're _Jackie Lynn Thomas,_ and that's something nobody else can be, not really."

Marco then felt the warm press of lips against his once again, and the pair slumped over on the couch, cuddling each other and occasionally reminiscing over the Fermi Paradox.

Now, while that's quite romantic, it's also both a temporary pleasure and, in fact, entirely irrelevant to the plot at hand. Not to mention that little diddy has resulted in thousands of rabid Starco shippers declaring a fatwa on me. And for those of you who have experienced having fatwas put on your head thanks to people who want immediate shipping gratification, I'm sure you can sympathize.

Instead, let's return to the far less controversial part of the story, where our female lead is trying to strike a deal with a being that's probably Satan himself.

"Hmm..." the goat-headed entity began to ponder, "that is indeed a problem. If what I've heard about Mewman magic is true, then a tome like that could be...quite dangerous in the wrong hands."

"Sooooo, you'll help me get the book back?" asked Star hopefully.

Mephisto sighed, poofing up a large sheet of paper that looked like a contract. "Here's the deal. I cant get it back for you directly. In addition to that sort of thing just being plain anti-climactic...I cant actually make contact with items infused with that sort of magic. At least, not physical ones." Noticing Star's expression turning defeated, he decided to forgo the explanation and get to the point. "What I CAN do, however, is train you to get it back yourself."

"Train me? What would that do?"

"Using your own, natural magic, you're not going to defeat this Ludo character. He has both raw power AND a millenia old tome on his side, so he'll be able to out-compete you in all those areas." The demon gave a devilish smile. "However...there's more than one form of magic. And what I can teach you, followed correctly, will not only render his powers worthless, but also allow you to get what you want in more mundane aspects! Social standings, intelligence, _relationships..._ all of these are valid areas that can be manipulated towards your advantage, and as a bonus will be part of your training!"

Those last couple of sentences echoed through Star, particularly the part about relationships. Not only was a solution to her magical woes within her grasp, but a solution to her unrequited love too! All she needed to do was shake the bony, clawed hand of this goat thingy and-

Wait, what was she thinking? Manipulation? Screwing over her friends with magic in order to get her way? Cheating in the game of love? This wasn't her at all. Yes, she had feelings for Marco, and was very much jealous of Jackie, but using magic to control others? If this was the price she had to pay to get Glossaryck and her book back, then perhaps she should find another mentor...

"Uuuuh, you know what, I'm actually having second thoughts about this."

"Ah good, then if you'll just si- wait, WHAT?"

"I...dont think I can do this. I need the power to get back my spellbook and save Glossaryck, true, but if I do that at the expense of my friends...is that really a victory?"

The demon pinched the bridge of his nose. "Alright, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume you're just temporarily, what's the phrase, shocked by my generosity to really comprehend what you're missing out on. So, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that, and instead..." his expression soured as he turned towards Janna, "Answer this chick's questions while I wait for you to sort this out."

Janna practically leaped in the air with joy. "Oooh oooh! Okay uh...first, do you know any cute incubi you could send my way? Second, why do jellyfish exist? And finally, are you _really_ a man of wealth and taste?"

This was a mistake, but as he did make a promise, he'd be remiss if he didn't answer her questions at least half-heartedly. "Alright, first, yes, I suppose you could try Mewtini. That is, if you like pieces of your soul sucked out while you orgasm, and you're able to put up with his insipid personality. Second, jellyfish exist because the universe is a needlessly cruel place and seems to have something against sapient life. And third, while I'm not sure about wealth, my favorite bands are Neutral Milk Hotel and My Bloody Valentine. So make of that what you will."

"Yeah uh...I dont know either of those bands"

Mephisto brought his hands up to his face. "Man, you people really are hopeless." He stopped facepalming for a moment to turn back towards the reason he was here in the first place. "Alright, Butterfly, what's your answer?"

She gulped, still unsure of herself. "Well...I uh...I choose-"

Before she could answer, Star was cut off by the sound of a loud crash coming from a few blocks down, almost like an explosion, followed by multitudes of car alarms, which was enough to divert the attention of all three to what was going on outside. Star was able to glance out the door just in time to see a spiderlike _thing_ the size of a car, most likely the source of the crash, scurrying by her.

Up the street.

Towards where Marco lived.

She pulled out her wand and prepared for combat. Demon negotiations were going to have to wait, for now, she had to protect her friends.


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Infestissumam Occurus

 **A/N: The Devil out of Space was written before a catatonic studio audience**

Star and Janna could still hear the spider-thing running by, despite it being lost in the darkness. Judging by the massive amount of car alarms going off, it seemed to dislike cars. Or really, everything it came by, if the smoldering holes in the ground were any indication. Mephistopheles did not seem surprised at all, if anything the expression on his face read "not this shit again".

"I'm going to assume that means trouble for you guys as well, because it just so happens that she's my cue to skidaddle! Last thing I need is to run into her again..."

"What do you mean?" asked Star. "Who are you talking about? Do you know that thing?"

The demon pulled out a sack and began searching through it. "Let's just say I'd rather not deal with her right now and leave it at that. Any further queries can by directed towards my agent between the hours of 9 pm and 2 am. Before I take off though, I have something for you..."

He tossed a strange medallion towards the princess that seemed to be made of obsidian, not carved into any recognizable shape beyond a sphere with a bunch of jagged lumps.

"What am I suppose to do with this?"

The demon surrounded himself with an aura of energy, preparing to depart. "Ah, yes. Seeing as we didn't manage to finish our little chat, I've given you a cheap and easy way of contacting me, should you decide to accept my offer. All you have to do is rub it, and I'll probably come by."

"Like a genie?" Star's eyes lit up

"Yes Star...like a genie."

The demon, satisfied with his explanation, gathered more teleportation energy, but no sooner did he start that back up did he get interrupted, yet again.

"Hey hey hey! How come Star gets something cool and not me? I brought the skull and everything!"

Mephisto stopped to think for a moment. "Ah, you know, I guess you do deserve something. Catch" And with that, he chucked what appeared to be a CD case at Janna.

The girl gazed upon the item with confusion. "Uh, what the hell is this?"

"Yes"

"Yes what?"

"Yes, as in, that's the name of the band. I've just given you their album Fragile, so you can get some real music into your system." Mephisto surrounded himself with energy and started fading away. "Be sure to listen to the keyboard solo on roundabout!" he said, the "roundabout" part echoing a bit as he faded off completely.

As Janna stared down at her gift in disappointment, she felt a sudden tug on her sweater, and before she knew it she found herself being dragged out the door by a certain magical princess. "Hurry up!" said Star, "We have to get there in time to warn Marco!"

"Uuuuh, you know, you could just try, I dont know, calling him"

"Oh yeeeaaaaaaah!" She suddenly stopped dead in her tracks and let go of Janna, the later's momentum causing her to careen off several meters before impacting the pavement with a resounding thud. Star took no notice of this whatsoever as she pulled out her phone, hoping that she wasn't too late...

As it happened, though Star didn't know it for sure, the monster WAS headed directly towards Marco. However, it was not for the reason she thought.

A sharp knock at the door jolted Marco awake. Despite trying to go back to sleep, the knocking continued, eventually compelling him to do something about it. After resolving to answer the door due to Jackie's refusal to get off her rumpus, he swore that if this was another pair of Jehovah's Witnesses, he was going to completely lose it.

Instead of religious fanatics (at least, Christian religious fanatics anyways), he opened the door to find himself face to face with what appeared to be a giant, six legged machine. Although at first glance it looked like a robot, Marco realized from the glass screen that the central portion was actually a cockpit of sorts for an unidentified organism inside, obscured by purple fluid and the darkness of night. Entirely undaunted, given how tired he was and how monsters were an every day occurrence to him, Marco looked into its "face" with a dull expression.

"Can I help you?"

The machine cocked its "head" slightly. "HUMAN LIFE FORM" it roared in a high pitched mechanical yelp, "I, THE GREAT SLUGRADEB, INCARNATION OF THE HOLY HATRED AND HEIR TO THE THRONE OF LEMURIA, HAVE GRACED YOUR PATHETIC HOUSEHOLD WITH MY PRESENCE SO THAT YOU MAY BECOME MY BREEDING PARTNER."

"Uuuuh, por que?" Marco didn't look any more concerned.

"AS FUTURE RULER OF THE GALAXY, IT IS MY DIVINE RIGHT TO CLAIM A MATE SO THAT I MAY PASS ON MY SUPERIOR GENETIC INFORMATION. YOU APPEAR TO BE THE MOST SUITABLE CANDIDATE WITHIN EIGHTY KILOMETERS. RELINQUISH THIS LIVING SPACE OR-"

 _Slam!_ Marco wouldn't have been in the mood for this shit even under normal circumstances, but it was WAY too late for some monster to come out of the woodwork and demand...whatever it was it demanded. Let it bother some other house.

Jackie woke up halfway, her body slumped over the sofa. "Who the hell was that?" She asked groggily.

"Some monster. I'm pretty sure that whatever it is, it can find another house to-"

A loud crashing sound cut him off, caused by who else, but the mechanical spider, which had decided to blow a nice hole through the door, and was currently attempting to fit through to get inside. As the hole was too small to allow its legs through, all this amounted to was the machine poking its head and forelegs in and squirming around like an idiot.

"God damn it, look I told you already I-"

"LIFE FORM, I, THE GREAT PRINCESS SLUGRADEB, SHALL NOT BE DENIED ENTRY. GRANT ME BEDDING AND SEMEN OR YOU SHALL BE DESTROYED."

Marco pinched the bridge of his nose. "Look, I'm sorry, but I just dont feel particularly threatened by you right now. You're going to have to find someone else to harass. Besides, I'm not sure you where you get the idea that I'm "prime breeding material" or something.

"AS IT STANDS, THERE ARE AT LEAST 3 FEMALES WITHIN CLOSE PROXIMITY THAT WISH TO REPRODUCE WITH YOU. HENCE YOU MUST HAVE DESIRABLE GENETICS. SINCE YOU HAVE REFUSED MY GENEROSITY, I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO DISPLAY FORCE"

Right then, the mechanical spider fired a pair of red lasers from its pincers. Marco's quick reflexes allowed him to duck out of the way before they hit, the beams proceeding to tear out the other side of the house, through the backyard fence, the next house beyond that, and probably quite a few more.

Now he was scared. Why he didn't correctly evaluate the potential threat of a giant mecha standing at his doorstep was anybody's guess, but most likely related to the inability for the average human to think clearly at 2 in the morning.

"H-hey, take it easy now!" By this point, Marco was fully awake. "Look, you dont have to go firing lasers and everything! I'm sure we can make some room for you in the backyard if-"

"INSOLENT MUNDANE, I HAVE NOT YET FINISHED MY DISPLAY OF FORCE. BEHOLD AS I TARGET THE SKY."

Fortunately, the mecha stepped out of the door for this one, as four presumably anti-aircraft lasers popped out of its backside, firing into the air.

"ARE YOU FEARFUL YET, HUMAN?"

"Oh y-yeah, very fearful! But uh...you know what would make me more fearful? Let me get out a mirror really quick, and you can-"

"DO YOU TAKE ME FOR SOME KIND OF IMBICILE?" it shouted, seemingly taking a liking to interrupting people mid sentence. "YOUR PATHETIC MIND GAMES HAVE NO EFFECT ON AN ASCENDED ONE. INSTEAD, I SHALL TAKE OUT THE FLOOR."

And as proclaimed, the mecha fired a laser blast at the ground directly beneath it.

"GAAAAAAAAGH!" it screamed as it plummeted 5 meters below into a pit of its own making, squirming rather harmlessly.

Marco was right about to make a witty retort, but suddenly he heard the familiar tune of " _Space Unicorn! Soaring through the stars!_ " coming from inside his pocket. Star was calling him. Presumably, she was done with her evening of fun at Janna's house.

"Hello?"

"MARCOMARCOMARCO! You have to listen to me! There's a giant monster headed your way and-"

"Yeah, I know. It already got here. And it fell down a hole of its own making. It's really not the brightest bulb on the Kwanza Tree, if you catch my drift.

"PATHETIC WORM! WHEN I GET OUT OF THIS HOLE, I WILL BREAK YOU APART ON THE ATOMIC LEVEL! JUST WAIT UNTIL I FIND THAT ESCAPE POD!"

A hefty amount of banging followed as the presumed entity inside the mecha tried to find the escape hatch. Evidently, it wasn't going well, because it was still at it by the time Star and Janna arrived on the scene. Even they were rather underwhelmed at the sight of this creature, struggling to get out of its pit.

"So uh...guess you dont really need my help then?"

"Eh, not really Star. Whatever this monster wants, it doesn't seem like it has the power to get it, especially from inside that-"

"AHAH! FOUND IT!"

Star, Marco, and Janna turned just in time to see the top part of the cockpit split open and an indiscernible figure leap out, obscured by the purple haze resulting from the liquid's contact with the air.

The creature that landed before them was unlike anything they had ever seen, even considering their experience with the monsters of Mewni. Body-wise, it was roughly shaped like a human-sized slug, with four slender arms and four eyes on stalks. Oozing and moist, its body appeared to be a dark purple in shade and almost translucent, with jagged pink streaks that seemed to produce their own light. Its head, stalk eyes included, were covered by some sort of helmet of flexible metal, and judging by the filter up front it seemed to also function as a gas mask.

"You arrogant little fuckheads!" it shouted, now in a much higher pitched voice that sounded like a teenage girl, "To humiliate Princess Slugradeb, emissary to the gods, is a crime worthy of extermination! I thank you for providing this opportunity, it's been a whole day since I've killed someone!"

"You are NOT harming my friends!" said Star, pulling out her wand.

The slug monster was unfazed, and surprised everyone by pulling out a wand of her own. "Ah, another magic user. I do enjoy a challenge~"

The two positioned themselves for battle. Star made the first move, casting a "Strawberry Narwhal Blast!" which largely served to irritate Slugradeb.

"You piece of excrement! Do you take this battle as some kind of joke?"

"Um...no? That's my magic! I fire narwhals and stuff! Pretty cute, huh? In fact, I've got a bunch of kittens in this one spell that-"

"STAR, focus!"

"Sorry Marco! Have one for the books, you slug beast!" She leaped into the air, preparing her avant garde, yet-to-be-mastered spell. "Poopoo Bahamas...Quizno?"

Of course, all that did was cover Slugradeb in radioactive orange jelly. This might have been damaging, were her biology not accustomed to high levels of radiation, instead merely serving to irritate her even more.

"You call THAT magic?" she laughed bitterly, "The abilities of the mundanes must truly be even more laughable, if all you can conjure up are foods and cute animals!" Slugradeb's wand began glowing green as she charged up an attack. "Magic is for one thing and one thing only, to allow the noble to rule over the common filth! It is our privilege to use our divine gift for the purpose of heightening our own power and trampling upon those who are unworthy! And you...you are the least worthy of them all!"

"Okay, slow down, what the heck are you talking about? Magic isn't some method of oppression and power or whatever you think it is. I'm...not exactly sure what its true purpose is, if it has one, but it can be used for a lot more than just hurting things!"

"Uh, dont you mostly use your magic to beat up monsters?"

"Not helping Janna!"

Slugradeb gave another mocking laugh. "It appears the mundanes are hypocritical as ever! The only explanation as to why you have magic is because you were sent here as a divine test of my abilities! Now witness the power of the gods!" The slug alien suddenly leaped into the air much higher than was possible for a human, let alone something that looked like an invertebrate, and pointed her wand towards Star.

"ALASTOROS!"

The wand flashed green, and the space around Star ripped apart, pummeling her with an outburst of energy from the dimension beyond and sending her flying down the street, embedding her in a small crater in the road.

"Star!" Marco ran towards the princess of Mewni, but once again the alien slug proved far more agile than should have been possible, slamming into Marco and gripping onto his body with her underbelly.

For reasons incomprehensible to Marco (at the time, at least), being covered by Slugradeb felt like he was facing millions of punches every second. He could barely even breath, every time he tried another hit would cut him short, leaving him short on oxygen. "S-star.."

Star, however, was in no good condition either. The chaos energies from that magic attack were much stronger than anything he knew how to use. Even Ludo's raw power blasts didn't have this much impact on her. She tried to stand up, but another "ALASTOROS!" cut her down, killing any chances of her coming to Marco's rescue. All she could do was watch helplessly as her best friend was slowly pulverized to death by this monster...

And then _SLAM_ , Slugradeb was barely able to turn to see her attacker before being struck about the head with a skateboard, knocking her off Marco.

"Get your slimy body away from my boyfriend!"

Although Jackie did not have any special powers, she did have the advantage of the element of surprise, and before Slugradeb could gain her senses and blast this insolent girl's head off, she found herself being clunked over and over with the skateboard. Finally, Jackie smacked the alien hard enough for the skateboard to break and to send the monster out cold.

"Marco...are you alright?" asked Jackie. Marco responded with a groan. Upon closer examination, his body was covered in blackish blue bruises, but otherwise didn't seem to be severely injured, and with effort and Jackie's help, was able to stand up. "I...think I might have to get this looked at. Heheh..."

The couple embraced, which would have been romantic were it not for Marco immediately yelping in pain from his girlfriend squeezing against his injuries.

Star meanwhile, was still largely out of commission. As the other 3 went over to help her up, they noticed in addition to the cuts and bruises, she appeared to be shaking and...crying?

"L-leave...me...alone..." she said shakingly. The gravity of the situation was truly hitting her. Losing yet another battle, failing to save Marco, and to top it off, getting upstaged by JACKIE? This was beyond humiliation. It was like every piece of good will in her had been crushed. Not because of that slug, not because of losing, not even because of Marco getting hurt. But Jackie. Jackie fucking Lynn Thomas. That bitch had weaseled her way into Marco's heart and now was fulfilling Star's obligations!

"Yo, Star? Need any help?" There was Jackie again, offering her hand to help her up. Although a genuine act of good will, to Star this just felt like rubbing salt into an open wound. Smacking Jackie's hand away, she ran over to the slug, gave it a good beating, and threw it back in the hole.

"CRYSTAL PRISON BLAST!"

A green glow emminated from the want, and the pit became filled with jagged crystal spikes that seemed to impale the slug alien, keeping her in place. More spikes crawled up the hole, topping it off with a massive crystal spire that rose a good 5 meters in the air.

All attempts to comfort the girl by Marco and Janna failed, with Star insisting in her shaky voice that she was "just fine, thanks" and storming up to her room, locking the door. Jackie meanwhile, was just wholeheartedly confused. What had she done to upset Star so much? Was it something in that monster's magic that caused her to have a breakdown? Was it Marco in danger? She couldn't get her head around it.

Marco put a hand on her shoulder to comfort her. "I'm sorry about Star," he began, "to tell you the truth, I think losing a battle so soon after the whole Ludo fiasco...it's not helping her self esteem at all."

Jackie sighed. "Is there anything I can do? I dont want her to feel like she has to be antagonistic towards us. Maybe I should go up there and apologize or whatever?"

"It's alright. The best thing we can do right now is give her some space."

"Yeah, she's been through worse." Janna chimed in, "It's not like she's going to raise hell over this."

But what they didn't know was that there was far more to it than merely losing a battle. No, Star's anger came out of jealousy. Jealousy and hatred. The kind of hatred that leads one to do things one wouldn't normally do. The kind of hatred that results in a princess taking out an obsidian pendent and rubbing it. The kind of hatred that caused Star Butterfly to witness a flash of purple darkness followed by a familiar, tall, goatheaded figure floating before her, baring a wicked grin.

"Mephisto." She spoke with no emotion, "I am ready to receive training."

"Excellent my dear. I have a feeling you and I...will be going quite a long way together."


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: For those of you with no patience whatsoever

 **A/N: Only after you read this chapter will you realize just how disappointed your parents are**

By now, the reader is probably agast with anticipation, questions, or utter confusion. Or perhaps simply harboring the desire for the narrator to shut up and get back to the story. However, to fully grasp the scope of the plot, between the arrival of Slugradeb and the freaky shit in the prologue, one must take a glimpse into other lands across the cosmos. So just shut up a moment.

Yes, I'm talking to you there. You in the back. With that stupid hoodie. Shut up. There's a story going on here...

* * *

The sky above was once again alight with ionization.

One of the wonderful things about living in a land with radioactive atmospheric particles is the frequent particle storms that flare up, dazzling the sky with brilliant colors from all over the spectrum. For a normal being, these would be both frightening and lethal, due to the ridiculous influx of gamma radiation, but for Yegtresta it was just another reason why her home was blessed. Many of her friends and comrades took these kinds of things for granted, but Yegtresta spent as often as she could admiring the-

"Sister Yegtresta!"

Oh, silly me, I almost forgot that people on this planet are rude enough to interrupt the narrator. Guess it's my cue to get on with it, as they say.

"Gwaaaah!" she yelped, fumbling around a bit in an attempt to stand professionally for the Adepus Umbra standing before her. Which is harder than it sounds for her, since she didn't really have legs to stand on, so standing up straight is a crapshoot of "how much you can lift your body into the air" kind of thing. "S-sorry madame! I was taking care of the sculpture garden when I noticed this wonderful atomic storm and-"

"That's enough, I don't care for excuses." the larger slug alien interrupted, clearly annoyed. "To think we have you in charge of personal prayer rituals for the Chapel of the Eleven..."

Yegtresta beamed. "Well, I AM very good at it! I make sure to get all the rituals correct, and I make sure to keep the place ritually impure after ceremonies! O-or at least, that's what I like to think..."

"Oh shut up. Amazingly enough, I'm not here to listen to you patter on. For whatever reason, you've been summoned before the God Empress (hollowed be Her works) Herself. She's somewhere up in Her private balcony."

"T-the God Empress? She wants to see _me_?" Yegtresta was nearly beside herself in glee.

"For Xen's sake, don't soil yourself. Just get on up there and don't waste her time."

And with that, the eager priestess took off for her appointment with the head of state.

In theory, the empire was under direct control of God Empress Ghuleh in a totalitarian hereditary theocracy, but de facto, things were quite different. Previous God Empresses had taken steps to decentralize the governing apparatus, however Ghuleh in particular seemed adamant on making the system more democratic, if nothing else. Whether this was out of genuine belief in the voice of the people, or simply because she was too lazy to handle administration herself, nobody could say.

As such, her imperial residence was rather loosely guarded, relying on automated drones that could be disabled with a simple passcode that everybody on the site knew, a collection of six consecutive 9's. Supposedly, nobody ever guesses the simple combos. Regardless, she punched it in, slithered her way through the moderately ornate palace and up to the third floor balcony.

There standing before her, shimmering in anti-cosmic glory, was Ghuleh. God Empress, protector of the Lemurians, enemy of the Demiurge, blessed of the Ancient Ones, she had a lot of titles to go along with her majesty. Even though Ghuleh was just sitting in a chair, casually welcoming the priestess in, Yegtresta couldn't help but bow before her power. "Oh mighty God Empress!" she began, "I am truly humbled that you would summon such a lowly servant as myself before you to-"

"Stop that." The air seemed to freeze around Yegtresta as Ghuleh's two simple words cut through her.

"S-stop what? Erm, your grace."

"That! You just did it again. All that "holy art thou" bullshit. Knock it off. I appreciate the, uh, appreciation, but it's getting to be a bit much these days." The Empress took another sip from her glass. "Honestly, I cant even hold a regular conversation with people anymore."

"O-oh! Sorry my uh...I mean, Ghuleh. It's just that many of my superiors are, pardon me saying, a bit uptight about the whole titles deal. The Adeptus Umbra Kaalashkek gave me a walloping over the head for that last week!"

"Of course she did." She held out one of her arms, holding a pitcher of orange liquid. "Care for a glass of skub? I have too much of this stuff lying around."

Yegtresta took a glass and gulped it down. She wasn't particularly fond of skub, but she didn't want to displease her God Empress. "Anyways," Ghuleh continued, "it just figures. Here I am trying to restore the anti-nomianism that separates us from the mundanes, and yet these people are still going around being as anal as ever! I'm never going to get anything done at this rate."

"Um...madame? If I may ask, why did you summon me?"

"Ah yes, that's right, I DID summon you, didn't I?" The monarch pulled out a series of papers and digital documents. "You _are_ a priestess of Melek Taus of my chapel, are you not?"

Yegtresta dropped her drink and stood up straight with pride. "Y-yes ma'am! I've been a priestess for 8 chytons! It's only recently that I was transferred to his...personal temple, but-"

The Empress chuckled. "Oh my dear, you really do talk too much."

"S-sorry ma'am!"

"It's no big deal, really. I just wish people would adopt a more laid back attitude around me. If I wanted this kind of slavish devotion I'd go over to Genesis and-" she stopped herself, noticing she was getting off topic. "Ah, but that's beside the point. If I recall, you were the one who performed the most recent ritual to the emissary of Sitra-Ahra Himself."

"For the relocation project, ma'am! I uh...hope I didn't mess up too much, did I?"

Ghuleh finally got off her chair and stood up before Yegtresta. She was at least 50 centimeters taller than the priestess, which made her figure all the more imposing. "Before I go any further, I want to make this clear. The conversation between us is purely confidential. Do NOT share any of this with your colleagues, siblings, friends, friends' pets, nobody. Am I clear?"

Yegtresta could barely contain her excitement. Not only was she meeting up with the God Empress, but she was about to share with her personal information! It took all her effort not to squee like total dork and gush fluid from her lower eyes, holding it back just enough so that she could affirm her promise.

"Good. Because there's a couple of rather...sensitive matters I wish to discuss. I don't feel like going over to the Ecclesiarchy just yet, and I CERTAINLY dont feel like talking to the General Secretary or any of her bureaucratic dross. Honestly, they're just so depressing to be around..."

Yegtresta sighed, knowing what the subject was going to turn to. "The political situation...it's worse, isn't it?"

"Well, yes, that's one of the issues." The empress shook her head sadly. "We dont have any concrete conclusions, but from the transmissions we've picked up...their rhetoric has certainly become more hostile at an exponential rate. It's as if they've thrown reason out the window."

"I'm sorry, we haven't really had any luck in finding new worlds! There's always the possibility of retreating to that dwarf galaxy in case the worst happens, but I guess we still dont have that kind of technology, do we?"

"It's fine, my dear. You've done the best you could." She patted Yegtresta's eye stalks the way one pats the head of a child, noticing that the priestess was on the verge of tears over her perceived failure. "Besides there's more pressing matters at the moment. I'm sure you're aware of the antics of the Cult."

Yegtresta gulped. "Yes, of course! Their numbers are dwindling, but it seems the core members are just getting more desperate. We've had 3 attempts at dirty bomb attacks in the last week. You'd think without their central figure, they'd just go away already..."

Ghuleh turned away, slithering towards the edge of the balcony to look off into the distance. "Ah, but see, that's just it. That's what I wanted to talk to you about."

"Huh? What does-"

"It's Slugradeb. She's alive."

"W-what?!" Yegtresta's stalk eyes sprang up, and her streaks flushed with surprise. "B-but I thought that-"

"Believe me, nobody's as shocked as I am. Turns out she's not only alive, but she's somehow etching out an existence on a planet entirely inhospitable to us in terms of long term living. I hope now you understand why this needs to be kept secret. If word got out that she's still active, the cultists would..."

She trailed off, her head drooping slightly as she looked at the world below. "But besides that, it seems there's also a bit of good news that comes from all this."

"Yes ma'am?"

"As it turns out, the pod took her into an alternate version of the galaxy. A completely different dimension. From what we can tell, a dimension where our enemies do not exist. Think of the worlds that could be settled and conquered for our glory!"

"A-and of course," Yegtresta added, "a way to ensure our survival, right?"

"I'm pretty sure that was implied." said Ghuleh flatly. "The point is though, things may not be so bleak. If we're able to replicate how she managed to do it, then we might have a whole universe of opportunity opened before us." She chuckled softly. "I cant believe I'm saying this, but it looks like my daughter actually did something beneficial for once."

"Umm..." Yegtresta struggled to get out, "please don't say that about her. I know she can be, like, really mean at times-"

"She destroyed an entire city the moment she got the opportunity. I think "mean" is an understatement."

"Look! I know she's done a lot of bad things. But...you know as well as I do what she means to me. We've been together since childhood, and she's always been somewhat affable when I'm around. Maybe if I was there for her that day..."

The God Empress grunted in disapproval. "Dont blame it on yourself, it's hardly your fault she's a fucking lunatic. I don't think anybody can fix her. And I say this as someone who's tried her whole life to do just that." Turning back towards Yegtresta, the Lemurian queen did something she hadn't done in a long time: flashing her streaks a low consistent hue, which was the Lemurian equivalent of smiling. "I do wish there were more people with your heart around. It's refreshing to have somebody who's devoted to the gods yet isn't bloodthirsty. Or perhaps I'm just jaded over Slugradeb."

Yegtresta flushed again with embarrassment. "I just figure that since our, ehm, neighbors have a policy of shooting first and asking questions later, the best course of action would be to attempt to see the good in everyone. It doesn't always work for me though."

Ghuleh put a hand on the young priestess's shoulder. "Well, it's going to work for you now. Because at this moment, I'm appointing you high priestess of the Chapel of the Eleven. I believe your unique personality can- OOOF!"

This time, her enthusiasm could not be held back. Ghuleh found herself on the receiving end of a four-armed, oozy hug by Yegtresta. "Thank you thank you thank you! This is a greater honor than I could possible imagine! Is there any way I can repay you for your kindness?"

"You could start by letting me go..." she gasped.

Yegtresta immediately let go, followed by a profuse string of apologies. After a few more issues of thanks towards the God Empress, Ghuleh dismissed the new high priestess back to her post so that she could have some alone time again.

The radiation storms were indeed beautiful, when she really thought about them. But the truth of the matter is that there was too much going on for her to focus on beauty. This was a time of strife, and war seemed just over the horizon. She could only hope that the naive Yegtresta, who could barely bring herself to hurt an insect, would be able to survive the horrors of war, if not mentally than at least physically. As much as she hated to admit it, she knew that her brand of pacifism was a luxury that they could not afford on the eve of full military action.


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: And now for something completely familiar

 **A/N: The Devil Out of Space is proudly sponsored by National Bolshevism. All the workers control of means of production that comes with socialism, all the aesthetic of fascism, and none of that pesky "human rights" crap! Join your local Nazbol Gang today!**

"Gaaaaaaaagh! What is WRONG with this blasted thing?"

In the depths of Mewni's cave system, a particularly villainous kappa was having a whole load of surprising issues. He could have sworn the wand told him that getting this magical book would make things easier, helping to make him powerful enough to conquer all of Mewni, and from there the rest of the universe. But for whatever reason, it wasn't helping Ludo in the slightest. In fact, all he got out of his effort was an annoying "mentor" that was barely any help whatsoever.

"Try contracting your anus!" shouted Glossaryck.

The greenish kappa looked up at him, extremely frustrated. "What good will THAT do in helping me get this stupid wand to work properly!?"

"Oh, nothing, but you might feel better if you poop. Just saying."

"AAAAAGH, you are USELESS!" Ludo's wand proceeded to fire right then and there, sending him flying into the ceiling for the 8th time today. This time around, he was embedded hard enough in the previous indents that Spider and Hawk had to pluck him out.

Glossaryck, entirely unconcerned with his new master's utter failures, took another spoonful of pudding. "Look," he said in between bites, "if you're gonna attempt to get all fancy with magic now that you have the most powerful spellbook in the cosmos, the least you could do is actually read it."

"You think this is MY fault?" Ludo picked the book back up, with much effort given how heavy it was, and presented it before the blue genie. "Most of this book is literal scribbles! I'm pretty sure this page in particular was written with taffy!"

"Aaactually, that one's the love spells chapter, so that's-"

Ludo shrieked and flipped to another section before Glossaryck could finish his sentence. "This is exactly what I'm talking about! Hardly anything is written legibly! Although, this one I can kinda make out, let's see..." Ludo gazed closely at book, trying to decipher the chicken scratch.

"Aaah, I think I know what page you're on! That spell in question is Klaatu-"

"Shut up! I can do this myself, thank you very much!" He positioned himself in the formidable constipated lawnmowing stance and pointed his wand at another target. "Cartoon Buganda...Necktie?"

The wand promptly burst a greenish blast of radioactive peach jelly. Once he managed to get himself up from the recoil, Ludo was sorely disappointed.

"Oh come on! What kind of stupid spell is that? It doesn't even do any damage!"

"Well..." Glossaryck began, "first of all, it's going to do quite a lot of damage, give or take a decade for the effects to show up. And secondly, you read it, like, incredibly wrong. I dont know why this is so hard for you people."

The kappa pointed his wand at his unhelpful mentor, primed to fire. "You are USELESS! I thought you were supposed to HELP people with this book, but somehow you're even more of a load than my previous monster minions!"

Glossaryck simply yawned and age another spoonful of pudding. "Look kid, I may be bound to this book and required to act as a mentor to whoever owns this thing, but that doesn't mean I have to do a good job at it. Or keep you alive. I'd be perfectly willing to help you achieve world domination if you'd just improve your attitude."

"MY ATTITUDE IS FINE! YOU'RE THE ONE GIVING ME ATTITUDE! THERE IS SO MUCH UNFILTERED ATTITUDE COMING FROM YOU IT BURNS!" Ludo coughed on the force of his own shouting, forcing him to catch is breath.

"You okay there, space cowboy?" Glossaryck didn't even bother looking up from his pudding.

"I'm...fine..." gasped Ludo, in between breaths. "Look, if you're not going to be any help, I'll just go and find a different teacher! One who can actually READ this crap! There's got to be someone somewhere in this book here..."

The genie chuckled. "Wait, let me get this straight." he queried, "You're trying to get a new mentor to help you decipher a book...from the very same book that you cant read that you want decoded. Did you think through any of this at all or-"

"QUIET! I've found a chapter that's actually legible! And delightfully enough, it's about extradimensional entities adept in magic! Feels rather contrived, but I'm sill going for it!"

Of course, the chapter soon proved to not be as legible as he hoped. The chapter title and introduction was sensible enough, at least, but most of the descriptions of such entities, at least from what he can tell, were again written in utter scribbles, more often than not made from various food items. And in at least one case, something that was probably dried blood. If there was anything he learned from Toffee, it was to avoid things written in blood, so he had to pass that over despite it almost being readable.

Again, his efforts continued to prove fruitless. More and more pages of meaningless schlock, doodles, and the occasional hippopotamus living in the pages. But as time went on, he-

"Hippopotamus?" the kappa asked. "I dont recall any of those..."

Okay, fine, I was bullshitting. Just wanted to see if you guys were paying attention. Back on topic, Ludo had right about enough of the book, and was about to throw it at his so called "mentor" again, when he came across a page that he could read perfectly. Unlike pretty much everything else, this seemed to be written with regular black pen, like a sane person. The page in question contained a bunch of confusing sigils that he knew nothing about, some descriptions and histories that he didn't care to learn of, but there were a few things that caught his eye. The duality of the drawings of a goat and peacock, the number "218" written in bold as if it was the most important thing ever, and in the center of it all, a mark that appeared to symbolize the being itself...

"Hmm...hey Glossaryck?"

The genie looked up, patently uninterested. "Oh, so now you need me? Well, might as well speak up."

"What do you know of a one...Melek Taus Pentagrammeton?"

In a flash, Ludo suddenly found the book being forcefully ripped from him, and himself flung against the wall by a quick blast of telekinesis. To his surprise, when he looked up, he noticed that Glossaryck had not only gotten up from his pudding eating, but was actually fully alert, and by the expression on his face was clearly angered.

"Okay, rule number one, _kiddo_ ," he said with an uncharacteristic sternness. "If you're going to have me around, and this book, and this world in general, then follow this advice. Do not go looking to that...demon for help. Do not research him. Do not even mention his name. Is that understood?"

Ludo dusted himself off, even grouchier than before. "Oh calm down, Mr Predispositioned Pete. If this so called demon is going to help me get out of being pitiful, then by corn I'll-"

"Perhaps I didn't make myself clear..." Ludo once again found himself flung against the wall, this time pinned there with a magical force. "I know you're oh so _terribly_ butthurt about being power incontinent, I would be too, but let me tell you there are worse things. Far, _far_ worse things. Such as losing your health, or your loved ones, or perhaps losing your entire reality to the whims of a mad god without the slightest hint of a moral compass. I'm not easily angered, nor am I particularly keen on picking fights or even choosing sides, but there are a few principles that even I abide by. Keeping that thing from seeing the light of day is top priority." The magical grip tightened around Ludo. "I will ask you again, is that understood."

The utterly helpless kappa managed to cough out an affirmation after some struggling, at which point the magical grip released him and he plopped onto the floor. With his threats now done, Glossaryck immediately dropped his tranquil anger and jumped back into the book, pudding in hand.

"Wonderful! Sorry to get all mad, but there are certain issues that I get touchy about. Pew! All that magical lifting has gotten me kinda tired. I think I'm gonna nap for a while. Wake me up in a few days." And with that, the genie dove into the pages and proceeded to doze off.

"What a dramatic prick he is." the wannabe overlord muttered to himself as he wandered back to his bedroom. He could hear the wand talking to him at the edge of his mind, and once again, he agreed with it. There was clearly something about this Melek Taus fellow that would be useful. And by corn, he was going to make full use of him, consequences be damned...

* * *

It was another one of those days.

Star had once again been acting differently from usual today, and not the same as her earlier level of difference, which was where she acted all depressed. Marco figured this had something to do with the whole slug alien attack from last night., but that didn't quite explain why she was still held up in her room for most of the day. Or why she horded an entire container of pretzels. He tried not to think too hard about it, hoping that some TV could take his mind off the situation...

Of course, the first thing he landed on was the news, which was full of information that only served to exacerbate his stress. "Massacre On 34th Street" read the headline, images of charred and devastated city blocks flashing by as the reporter told the story in a detached, impersonal manner.

"As many as 50 people may have been killed by an unidentified monster that purportedly rampaged through the outskirts of Extus City, with hundreds more injuries and an extreme amount of property damage according to national guard reports. The monster, who according to eye-witnesses looked like a large, metallic spider, tore its way through three blocks, attacking indiscriminately, before suddenly blasting off into the sky. Local authorities speculate that the monster may have landed in nearby Echo Creek, but so far nothing concrete has been found. In other news, the local Nazbol Gang, a far left organization, has taken it upon itself to aid in disaster relief, offering food and blankets to the homeless. Experts say this is most likely a political stunt, but with the increased popularity of-"

Flip. He shut it off. That did no good whatsoever. He didn't even feel like putting on cartoons or eating the remaining nachos. At least, not until he got some answers from a particular slug aliens. Walking out the door, he found the creature where it had been since last night, trapped in the crystal prison spire. By now, however, she had regained consciousness, and Marco could see that this "princess" was hard at work thrashing about in an attempt to escape, ignoring the increasingly deep gashes the crystal spikes dug into her flesh.

"GAAAAH! Release me at once!" The slug monster somehow managed to project its voice through all that insulating crystal, leaving Marco with the impression that she was using telepathy. "Do you know who you're dealing with, plebeian scum? I am PRINCESS SLUGRA-"

"Princess Slugradeb, incarnation of the holy angstiness, heir to whatever, blah blah blah. Look, this was cute at first, but this shit is starting to get really old. And tiring."

Slugradeb gave a coarse chuckle. "Laugh while you can, human. When I get out of here, I will strangle you and all your friends with your own intestinal tracts. Perhaps I shall take my time and painfully extract some genetic information from you? After all, I DO need children somehow." She gave another spiteful laugh, clearly thinking herself to be quite witty.

Marco, however, merely rolled his eyes. He had no idea why this alien was so intent on coming across as hostile, especially considering its rather compromising position. "You know, I was watching the news just now." he said, changing the subject. "Do you mind explaining to me how you manage to kill dozens of people simply by going from point A to point B?"

"Simple, really." she explained. "I have various forms of advanced weaponry in my hexapodic exo-suit, including various lasers, radiation beams, rapid fire bullets, extreme dexterity and flexibility that allows me to give precision neck naps when-"

"Ugh, that's NOT what I mean! I dont care HOW you were able to do it, because I can tell you're more than capable. I'm asking WHY you decided to kill all those people."

Slugradeb stopped struggling momentarily and looked into Marco's eyes. "Uh...because I could?" she said blankly, as though this was obvious. "They were in my way, they would have spread panic, so I decided to kill them. It's not that hard to understand."

Marco did all that he could to mentally restrain himself. "Spread...panic? Dont you think that perhaps, just maybe, a bunch of dead bodies might, oh I dont know, spread a lot more panic?"

"Why should they? They're DEAD. They have no further function, so it makes no sense for people to care about them as much as they do on this planet. Granted, I probably should have expected this level of nonsensical behavior from mundanes, but it still comes off as being rather irritating."

This was clearly going nowhere. Whatever this thing was, she clearly had no concept of morality or any setting other than "massive prick". Marco was about to walk off, but the alien imprisoned within the crystal spire said something that caught his attention.

"I think you better get used to me. After all, your little princess girlfriend over there has an artifact from my master, so in all likelihood she's going to come around to my way of thinking."

"What did you just say?" Marco asked angrily. "What master? And why would Star EVER be like you?"

Slugradeb gave another laugh, this time higher pitched and girlier. "Did you not notice that little pendant she was caring around last night? I did. Guess human powers of perception are really, really low. That pendent is an artifact from our Dark Father, falsely condemned to wander the dimensions. Most likely, she's already summoned his presence~"

"That's...what? You're making that up!" he said, rather unconvinced of his own assertion.

"Fufufu...if you dont believe me, that's your problem, not mine. But when she arises to my level of ascension and slaughters you lot, dont come crying to me. Because at that point, you will end up, hmm, Garfunkled, as they say. And I will not be your bridge over troubled waters."

With that, Slugradeb resumed to thrashing about, trying to loosen herself from the spikes. It was just as well, because Marco had just about enough of this. If he had to stay around that sociopathic slug any longer, he was certain that he was going to lose his mind.

But what she said about Star...he knew it couldn't be true, could it? Sure, she may have been rather moody the last week, but that hardly meant that she was summoning demonic powers within her bedroom. No, she was better than that. Regardless, he figured he'd go talk to her anyways. All her self isolation couldn't be doing any good for her mental health. Hesitating for a moment, he gave a quick knock on her door, interrupting whatever magical shenanigans she was up to.

At first, there was silence, which he was all too accustomed to. Fortunately, after a few tense moments, the door creaked open. There she was, Star Butterfly, princess of Mewni, and more importantly his best friend. To Marco's relief, it didn't look like there was anything wrong with the room. In fact, it was slightly cleaner than he remembered.

"Oh uh...hey Marco. What's up?"

"Um, not too much, just, you know, wanted to check on you." Marco explained.

Star did her best to put on a happy face. "Trust me, Marco. I'm okay, I-"

Her sentence was cut off by a feeling all too familiar, yet at this point in time coming as both a shock and a welcome action. A hug from Marco. Her best friend, no MORE than her best friend, wrapped in a warm embrace around her. It was always a welcome sensation, but now it felt like far more. She almost wanted to forget what she was just in the middle of doing and lose herself in this hug.

"Star..." Marco said, "please, if there's anything bothering you, you dont have to stay silent about it. We're best friends, and one of the things best friends do is communicate our problems. I couldn't bare it if you had a breakdown and I wasn't there for you..."

"Really Marco..." she said, her voice shaking, "it's nothing. I'm just...well, anxious I guess is all. I've set an official deadline for when I'm going to go back and rescue Glossaryck and my book, so I'm kinda nervous..."

"Deadline?" This was a new development, to say the least, although not an unwelcome one. "Well, I'm glad you've at least got a plan worked out. So, when are we headed off?"

"Oh, in about a week. Give or take a day." Star scratched her head in nervousness. "Look, all this stuff has me busy, so I need to get back to practicing my magic. But I'll be around! After all, tonight is Taco Tuesday! I wouldn't miss that for the world!"

The two of them exchanged goodbyes, and Star went back into her room. Marco, however, was not convinced she was okay. He could tell Star was withholding something from him. There was something about how her eyes darted around, nervous scratching, subtle but notable tics for when she wasn't being honest. It was clear he was going to have go get answers from somewhere else. Walking down the stairs, he managed to overcome his apprehension, and picked up his cell phone. He never thought he'd be calling this number again, at least not for a while, but he figured if anyone was an expert on dark powers, it was him. He dialed the number and waited with baited breath for him to pick up.

"Uh, hello? Marco? What's up?"

"Yeah, hey Tom, it's me. There's been...something on my mind lately. How extensive is your knowledge of extraterrestrial demons?"

A pause. "...this is about Star, isn't it? But yes, I know pretty much every demon and demonic related entity."

"Good, because I might need your help with something..."

 **Additional A/N: Ayyy, sorry about getting this one out late. I've been busy with school, so I haven't had as much time to write my fanfics as I've wanted to. Suppose I should also mention that the next chapter will most likely be delayed too, possibly until I'm done with my final exams. Which is in a couple weeks. Dont fret though, I'm sure there's other stories you're reading that can take your mind off of this hiatus! After all, it's not like my stuff means too much to you people.**


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Featuring Dante from the Devil May Cry series!

 **A/N: Remember kids, consistent upload schedules are for chumps!**

"Now, what have we learned today, my pupil?"

"Well, I've learned that demonic magic training is surprisingly boring!"

Mephistopheles tried his best to hide his exasperation, but he felt it showing blatantly on his face. This had been going on for a few hours now, with him trying to provide a basis for the magic he was going to teach her, and the information in question sailing over the princess's head.

"Look," said the demon, "I dont care what it is you think. This knowledge is absolutely vital if you're going to handle chaos magic. Can you please TRY to listen to me?"

Star grumbled. "Forget that! I wanna fire cool lasers and stuff so that I can give Ludo the ol' one two! Not study a bunch of philosophy or whatever."

Mephisto had half a mind to smack her around a bit with a radioactive herring, and probably would have had he not remembered that he kinda needed her intact and alive for any of his plans to work out. Barely managing to keep his temper together for the moment, he calmed down just enough to not smite her.

Rather, he decided to go for a more theatrical approach. Gathering the energies of Sitra Ahra, he cloaked the room in an intimidating purple shadow dimly illuminated by haunting stellar points of light. While this had no real effect, it looked impressive, which was all he needed at the moment since the change in scenery was enough to get Star to pipe down.

"Let me try to make this clear for you." he said as he held out an impressive looking swirling ball of energy in his right hand. "The magic of demons isn't like your magic. Not in the slightest. As far as I can tell, you need merely ad lib, and things just happen. Am I correct?"

Star pondered for a moment. "Well, kinda, but-"

"That's a luxury of Mewman magic that you're not going to have here. Xen energy, while immensely powerful, is a fickle thing. You cant just whip up your imagination and have things work out for you with an icecream beam. For every piece of magic, there is lore, historical figures both physical and metaphysical, and of course necessary direction. If you dont have at least a cursory knowledge of any of those things, then the best case scenario is that the magic wont work for you at all."

"What's the...uh...worst case?" asked Star, nervously.

Mephisto tried to recall some information. "Well, if you REALLY want to get into bad scenarios, you could very well end up tearing a hole in reality multiple light years wide, swallowing your entire world and everything around it into a void of agony." To demonstrate his point, the floating orb of energy morphed itself into an image of the earth, which suddenly found itself being shredded to pieces by dark tendrils. "Heck, even the smallest of attempts can grant catastrophic problems. I remember this one kid in, what's it, Zimbabwe or something, who asked me for 100 trillion dollars. So I gave it to him"

Mephistopheles started chuckling at the memory of that travesty, a chuckle that soon turned into a maniacal laugh that went on for a solid 45 seconds. Star nervously laughed along with him until he finally stopped gwaffling. "Aaaaah, yeah, that was fun. Now, uh, back on whatever topic it was."

"Something about agony and lore and whatnot."

"Right, right. So, what have we learned?"

Star gazed down solemnly. "The universe is divided into the forces of Tau, the causal, and Xen, the acausal. The material universe of the Tau is the lowest rung of existence, enslaved by a blind tyrant who really hates our guts. And uh...uh...Xen magic is powered by our emotions?"

The demon shrugged. "Eh, good enough. I wouldn't say the Demiurge hates our guts, exactly, but he certainly hates anybody that doesn't cater to his whims. And you really kinda missed the nuance on, well, most everything. But I guess that's not too important at the moment."

"One question though:" Star raised her hand. "Why would an all powerful creator be so nasty? I've always read that if there is a, well, supreme being, he should be kind and all loving just as he is infinite and-"

Mephisto laughed bitterly, cutting the princess off. "An outright fabrication, my dear. The Demiurge desires nothing more than absolute control over every aspect of the universe. It is essentially the sentient embodiment of stagnation, a desperate attempt at causal survival. It cares not for its subjects so long as they worship it completely."

"Ehhh..." said Star, "that still seems kinda needlessly mean."

"Get used to it, bucko. The universe kinda sucks."

The princess suddenly got a goofy grin on her face and began jumping up and down excitedly. "Oooh oooh oooh! Does this mean that-"

"Yes," the demon sighed, "we can start with actual magic now. Since you're so inclined."

Mephistopheles proceeded to materialize a tome of eldritch lore in front of him and open it up. At least, it appeared eldritch to Star. In actuality, it was just a text written in Hebrew, but Mephiso figured it would ruin the magic if he told her that.

Star of course, was still shaking like a giddy schoolgirl. "Oooooh! Mister demon! Where do we start first on the cool super magic stuffs?"

"Well, that all depends." He grinned wickedly. "How adept are you at harnessing your anger?"

A green flash briefly emitted from Star's wand.

* * *

Finally. It took 37 hours, painstaking effort, LOTS of holes in her side, and an itch she couldn't reach, but she had done it. Princess Slugradeb was now free of her crystal prison and ready to exact revenge on those who had humiliated her. Sweet, _sweet_ revenge. Dragging herself along to the best of her ability, she threw herself against the door with all her might.

 _Squoosh_

Slugradeb's soft body flopped against the door, failing to do any damage. Unable to gather the energy to keep herself upright, she tumbled over on her back, reduced to thrashing her tail against the door impotently.

It was around this time when fair Janna came strolling by, eager to check up on Star's progress and to pull some practical jokes on Marco involving salamanders. But this would not come to pass, for now that she had arrived, she was too busy gazing at the slug alien squirming about trying to right itself.

"Aaaaaaagh! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!?" Slugradeb continued flailing her body against the door, barely managing to do anything other than make a few funny squishing noises.

Janna chuckled softly at the creature's failed attempts to right itself. "Need a little help there buddy?"

"Blaaagh! I dont need your help!" she snarled. "I'd rather DIE than submit to aid from the mundanes! HIYAAAAH...ouch!" The renegade princess seemed to finally start succumbing to the pain of her wounds.

"Right, I'm sure you dont." said Janna, trying her best not to laugh. "So, tell me, what's that big metal thing on your head. Some kind of gas mask? I dont think you need it here, the air's pretty nice."

"Shows what you know." Slugradeb growled. "Anything oxygen related is extremely toxic to my species. We generally dont even need to breath, seeing as how we can suck up those kinds of nutrients from minerals in the soil."

"Sooooo...if I pulled that off, would you die?"

"It would be extremely painful..." she paused, "...for me. "But good luck trying to get that off. This thing is basically welded to my- waaaaaaaaaaaaaaait a minute." The Lemurian realized she was probably rattling off too much. "I dont have to tell you anything! You're just going to use this to kill me!"

Janna raised an eyebrow. "Uh, no? Why would I want to kill you? I mean, yeah, you did kinda attack us, but right now, you're kinda harmless."

Slugradeb righted herself, and began pulsing her streaks a deep red in fury. "Harmless? HARMLESS?! I'll show you exactly how harmless I am! _Veder-gal Teikals Somdus AZ-_ "

"Dude, you're literally holding a stick. I think your wand's down in the hole."

Sure enough, Slugradeb looked what her top right hand was carrying, and found that it was some random stick that fell into the hole with her. The actual wand was behind several layers of spikey crystal shards.

"Uuuuuugh, fine," she conceded, plopping to the ground. "Maybe I am kinda harmless. Unfortunately, I lack the means to kill myself in a timely manner, so if you could just get over here and use one of those shards to stab me in the base of the neck a few times, I-"

"Whoa whoa whoa!" Janna quickly backed up. "I am NOT going to do that to you! I told you that I didn't want to kill you, or hurt you really, and I meant it. Geez, you should know that I do happen to have standards, low as they may be. And killing someone who's defenseless is one of those things I dont do."

The slug princess became even more flustered, though she was so exhausted that all she could really release to display this was a grunt of anger. "I see what you're playing at. You're going to leave me to die of exposure! Torture me and keep me alive as long as possible! Insidious and cunning, but it wont work. Our bodies are-"

Janna facepalmed. "Again," she interrupted, "I dont want to do that either. What part of 'I dont want to hurt you' do you not understand?"

"The part where you're incessantly trying to keep me alive despite the fact that you have already bested me in combat, refusing to grant me the dignity of death." she answered bluntly.

"Combat? This isn't combat."

"If you didn't come here to kill me, then why are you here?" Slugradeb queried.

"Well..." Janna pondered, "I WAS just trying to get through so I could ask Star if she wanted to go out to the movies tonight. But since you're here, and kicking, I'd figure I might as well talk to you. You're entertaining." She paused again, deciding to state something she had suspected for a few minutes now. "You know what, I dont think you're particularly malicious either. If anything, I think you're just horribly confused."

"C-confused?" the princess stammered. "YOU are the one who is confused, not I! I am gifted with enhanced magical combat skills and the blessings of Azerate! Meanwhile, you have not even begun to realize the tyranny of the Demiurge and-"

"Look, as interesting as your religious dogma is, there's more that I'm talking about. You seem to have an utterly bizarre and, well, alien idea about how people behave. I'm not sure how it works where you come from, but here people generally dont try to brutalize each other for the sake of antinomianism or whatever you want to call it. Tell me something, do you have any friends where you come from?"

Slugradeb grunted in anger. "Why do you care?" she snarled.

"Because I'm curious." said Janna, which was the entirety of the reason.

"Curious? I'm not sure how knowledge of my companions would lead to you overtaking me and proving yourself to the gods."

"Do you have any friends or what?" she repeated.

Slugradeb paused to consider whether she should answer honestly. "Lemurians do not have need for "friendship" or "bonding". At least, in theory, they shouldn't." She sighed and gazed downward. "Nowadays, most people have fallen to mundane influence. They believe in shit like friendship, love, compassion for those weaker...it doesn't make sense! And it's heretical! Why cant they see it?"

The human girl tried her best not to lose her temper. "YOUR friends. What about YOUR friends."

"Oh uh..." the slug paused again, "...well, I did have one. Ever since I was a little girl, Yegtresta and I were pretty much inseparable. Even though she was heretical herself, she was willing to listen to me when not even my mother cared. On the one hand, her ridiculously cheerful disposition probably kept me from reaching my full potential...but-"

The slug groaned again as she realized she had been duped into spilling too much about her past. "Uuuuuugh, Xen damn you all. I dont know what mind powers you have up your sleeve, but you've gotten me to blather way too much about myself."

Janna approached the door, trying to scoot around the Lemurian. "As much as I'd love to stick around and chat some more, somebody's gotta get this chapter moving, this delay has been going on for nearly a month. Do you mind sliding over a bit so I can get in?"

"Mmmmmph..." she groaned. "Take me in with you. The light from your star is giving me cramps."

This proved to be far harder than perceived. As Janna soon found out, these slug aliens were ridiculously heavy and slippery. Of course, the fact that she insisted on being dragged along and not bothering to pull her own weight was certainly not helping, groaning in pain each time one of her various wounds got pulled as a result of this monstrous inconvenience.

After several agonizing minutes of trying to drag that fat slag in the house, Marco Diaz heard the commotion and decided to help, after Janna convinced him that Slugradeb was relatively harmless, and that leaving her out to succumb to her wounds would be kinda mean, all things considered. Yes, Janna actually took the moral high ground. Suspend your disbelief for a moment. Having Marco to help drag the monstrosity in the house made things slightly easier, as they were actually able to get her moving. Soon enough, they were able to heave her onto the couch, much to the surprise of Mr and Mrs Diaz, who hadn't quite gotten word that an alien slug had tried to kill Star and pals given that 37 hours ago, they failed a crucial spot check roll.

"Eheh, son." Mr Diaz began nervously. "I know that you and Star's magical misadventures tend to lead to a wide variety of, uh, interesting friends. But how long is that...snail thing going to be on our couch? I have my soap operas to watch Saturday."

The "snail thing" simply mumbled something unintelligible in response, most likely a threat to drink everyone's spinal fluids, while Marco dug through one of the first aid kits he kept under the sofa. "She's just going to stay here until she recovers enough to not be dying of blood loss. Or whatever that purple ooze is. Aaaaaaand, she's not really our friend. Come to think of it, Janna, WHY are we helping her again? She kinda tried to kill us."

"I'm surprised that you of all people would suggest leaving someone out to die." grunted Janna. "After all, I'm pretty sure you dont kill any of the monsters you usually fight, do you?"

"She's kinda got a point, Marco." Everyone turned their head towards Star Butterfly, who had decided to stop being a hermit in her room to check up on the commotion. "As mean as she is, it would reflect pretty poorly on us to just kill her. Not to mention, she IS a princess, apparently. Who knows what her kingdom would do to us?"

"Uuuugh." Marco groaned, finding it hard to argue against the two of them. "Fine, but how do we know we're even going to be safe? I mean, the moment she gets better, she'll probably try to kill us. Hell, she'll probably try that well before she gets better."

"Perhaps...we can strike a bargain." the alien chimed in, her voice strained from exhaustion. "If you allow me to use this living space to recover from my injuries, and leave me unmolested in the process, I promise that not only will I not kill you guys, but I also wont harm anyone in this municipality. I will leave many kilometers off and not return." She cringed again from the pain, the others began to notice that her wounds were beginning to smell.

"Seeeeeee? She means us no harm. Maybe we can even make a new friend! And have an extra guest for slumber parties!"

Marco chuckled. "Glad to see that you're getting back to normal. You plan on doing anything tonight?"

"Weeeeeeeelll..." said Star, over the mumbles of Slugradeb questioning what a slumber party was, "I feel kinda sleepy actually. So I was thinking of staying home."

"Aaaaaaaaaw." Janna whined. "But I had so much fun planned for us tonight! We were going to watch the prison riot the Nazbol Gang instigated and throw salamanders at the guards!"

 _Moral highground my ass_ , thought Marco. He was about to suggest that he and Star just stay home and binge on nachos. Suddenly though, he remembered something important. That cryptic conversation with Slugradeb, Star's weird behavior, and of course, him trying to get extra help to figure out what was going on...perhaps it would be easier if she was out of the house.

"Actually, you know what Star, I agree with Janna. You've been kinda hermiting yourself in the house for the last couple of days. I figure you two could enjoy some quality time together."

"Hmmm, maybe I should." said the princess, sliding down the stairs. "Dontcha wanna come with us Marco? I mean, you cant possibly have another date with Jackie tonight, right?"

"No, I dont I dont, but I...uh..." he tried to think of a good excuse. "I got some homework I need to catch up on! Ms Skullnik can be a real pain in the rear, heheh..."

"Eh, I believe it. C'mon Star, I've got a bath tub full of absinthe with your name written all over it."

With that, Janna grabbed Star and dragged her out the door for a night of ridiculous debauchery and prison riots with Soviet imagery. You know, like the kids do these days. Marco breathed a sigh of relief once they were gone, as now he was free to to dig around for some evidence he could bring to Tom.

To his surprise, Star had cleaned up her room pretty well. Not a whole lot of stuff laying around other than the occasional backpack supplies, and stuffed between the cushions a long, pink item a bit too phallic for his taste that Marco decided not to investigate. Five minutes of searching past when he finally stumbled upon an object of interest.

The obsidian amulet. The one from a couple nights back. The thing that Slugradeb said was "connected to her master" somehow. Star must have forgotten this.

It killed him to have to outright steal it from her room, but Marco reassured himself as he took the amulet, walked back to his room, and opened up a Mewman ritual book that it was for Star's own good, that he was doing a wrong thing for the right reasons. He'd be able to balance out this karma soon.

But first, he had to figure out what the hell this thing was.


	9. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Marco's Modern Life

 **A/N: The Devil Out of Space! Our quality never decreases, because we never had any to start with!**

"Ahuh. This is bad. This is really bad"

Tom had been examining the artifact for only a few seconds. However, his demon instincts could already tell that whatever this mishapen obsidian lump was, there was something horribly, terribly wrong with it. He figured that Marco was about to get himself into some deep shit.

"Yes? What kind of evil is inside it?" asked Marco.

"Evil?" said Tom. "Oh, no, I'm talking about the aesthetics. I mean, look at this damn thing. How edgy can you get? I mean really now, obsidian? The standards must be really low in the amulet creation department if this is what qualifies as high end."

"That's _not_ what I meant." said Marco, clearly running out of patience. He didn't like being around Tom as it was, even though they were now technically friends or something. "I need to know if that thing is some sort of evil artifact and just how dangerous it is! I mean, who knows what it could do?"

"Oh yeah..." Tom trailed off for a moment, trying his best to recall the information the human before him actually wanted to hear. "Well, as it happens, things are pretty awful on that side too."

"Well, what is it?"

Tom squinted, eyeing the artifact closer. "See, the thing is...I dont quite know who this belongs to. Which alone means something really bad."

"Oh, it means something bad alright." Marco groaned. "It means that I'm no closer to learning about what the hell is getting into Star's head! I mean, by God, if I wanted this level of incompetence I'd..." he paused himself and took a breath, cutting off his rant before he could say anything he'd regret. "Sorry, I'm just-"

"It's alright man." Tom said. "Everybody has their anger problems. I would know, after all." He gestured at himself rather proudly.

"But still, aren't you like, the son of the "Big Guy"? I thought you knew every demon?"

"Well technically," Tom began, "I only know of demons from my father's realm of The Underworld. Which is where every demon is born, even the ones that are more famous on earth than on Mewni or other dimensions."

Marco bit into some more nacho chips out of nervousness. "I'm not exactly sure what you're getting at. If every demon comes from your...demon realm place whatever, then how come...?"

"The way I see it," the teenage demon explained, "there are three possibilities. Number 1: He's not a demon at all."

"Whiiiiich is kinda hard to believe, given the whole aura of evil around this amulet."

"Right." Tom continued. "Number 2 would be that the bureaucracy down in the underworld somehow missed this guy. This would be believable, except given the..." he gestured to the amulet, "sheer amount of energy coming from this small artifact, it seems like a major oversight."

"And the third possibility?"

"Well, number 3 would be that...uh...he's entirely extradimensional."

Marco was beginning to grow frustrated. This conversation seemed to lead him no closer to understanding what was actually going on. "Uhh, aren't YOU extradimensional? Hell, isn't everything around here extradimensional? Star's from another dimension, these monsters are from another dimension, even that slug monster in the living room is from another dimension!"

"Slug monster?" Tom asked

"Long story." said Marco flatly.

Tom cleared his throat and refocused himself. "Anyways, the point I'm trying to make is that every demon, or at least every natural demon that can be found on Mewni and your world, has its origins somewhere in The Underworld. Y'know, where I live. Some of the crazy soothsayers down there however have been seeing some weird shit recently. There's this whole other alternate..."

The demon boy realized quickly that Marco was still quite lost. "Okay, I should probably back up a little bit. You know how Mewni and Earth are from different dimensions, right?"

"Uuuuh, right?" said Marco.

"Well," Tom continued, "the funny thing about that is, it's not REALLY located in a different dimension. I mean, it kinda is, but like...look, imagine a bunch of bubbles. Mewni and Earth are in two separate bubbles. However, THOSE two bubbles, along with some other bubbles, are inside one big bubble. Following me?"

Marco sighed. "This is making the universe way more complicated than it needs to be. But sure, go on. I cant wait to be bamboozled more."

"Good enough." Tom conceded. "The thing is, what some of those crazy soothsayers I've mentioned earlier have discovered is...well, a parallel universe entirely. A full one. It's own, big bubble. With a replica of your smaller bubble on that very side. A mirror version of the...what do you call it, Milky Way galaxy, if you will."

"A parallel galaxy? Are there, like, humans like us on that side? Is there an alternate version of me on that side? Is there-"

Marco would have asked several more questions like this had Tom not cut him off. "Doooont get too caught up there, bucko. We haven't been able to peer into this dimension much, and what we've seen so far has been uninviting, to say the least." He shuddered a bit as he mentally recalled the details. "I dont know much, but what I've heard about that place doesn't bode well. From what we've been able to gather, it's been on the brink of total war for the last few thousand years. And conditions haven't been improving. Not a good timeshare opportunity."

Marco bit into some more nachos. "You're starting to make a little more sense, I guess. But how did you guys find out about that universe in the first place?"

"Aaaactually," said the teenage demon, "that's just what I was getting to. First off, remember that little bit about Mewni being a bubble inside of the same bigger bubble as you guys? That's a lie for simplification. Really, it's more like a smaller bubble that bridges the two bigger bubbles. Hence, all the weird magical stuff. So logically, anything that crosses over from one universe to another must pass through Mewni in some way shape or form. Us folks in The Underworld tend to know when things are passing through like that, demon senses and whatnot. Basically, a long time back, we noticed a breach, shall we say, between that world which ended up in yours. We were able to use our demon magic to reopen the portal and peer through, and there you have it. As far as we can tell, it's the only other place that we've found natural demonic entities besides our home."

The normal, not at all demonic teenager in the room was starting to put some of the pieces together, and his expression became increasingly worried. "Wait a second...does this have something to-"

"The demon connected to this amulet?" Tom nodded sadly. "Based on further observations into that other world, we concluded that whatever passed through was some kind of ascended super-being, if not an outright god."

"How di-"

"Because it's not alone, Marco! There's more of those things over in that universe, demigods made of equal parts biological, mechanical, and metaphysical. And let me tell you, they are not benevolent. It took us twenty years for a group of our dimensional explorers to finally contact one...and let's just say from that point on, we've spent the remaining thirty thousand years to this present day keeping the door to that universe sealed tightly shut. If Star is involved with one of those entities..."

"Quit whining in there!" shouted a voice muffled from being behind the door. "My conditions for not harming you after I'm healed include not being irritated to death by the feeble intellect of the mundanes!"

Tom raised an eyebrow, as if to ask if that was common behavior from this new invertebrate house guest of his. Marco gave a shrug. "That uuuh...reminds me. Our "princess" over there said something to me about that whatever-it-is being her master. Is this demon worshiped as a god in that other dimension?"

"I wouldn't know." Tom responded. "They're pretty powerful, so I imagine he and others like him would be worshiped as such, but considering how long he's been on earth, I'm skeptical of the idea of this guy having many followers."

A series of slams against the door cut their conversation off, followed by the lower part eventually breaking to allow a gas-masked face to come peaking in. "Lies and slander!" shouted the alien princess in the same tone as a man who was just told that his waifu was a slut. "The Lemurian Commonwealth of Luciferian Principles is an entire EMPIRE devoted to the worship of the dark gods! The entity you speak of, Mephistopheles, is an avatar of their will. The eleven anti-cosmic gods cant manifest physically in the material universe, as they are acausal themselves, hence his existence. He is the direct emissary between the worshipers and the realm of the true gods!"

Tom had seen a lot of weird things in his life, but a slug creature trying to break down a door and rant about her religious beliefs was probably the apex. "I presume your guest feels well enough to interject in our conversations." he said, trying as hard as possible to not look in Slugradeb's direction.

"Could you for once learn how to use a door properly?" said Marco, clearly exasperated. "I mean, first the front door, and now this one, not to mention you got slime all over the place. For someone who's only here out of the goodness of our hearts, you sure do a lousy job of staying tolerable."

"It's not MY fault that I dont have the molecular structure to phase through your doors." she grumbled. "AND ANOTHER THING, Mephistopheles, He who carries the flame of enlightenment, did not simply "cross over" to this wretched place. He was banished here unjustly, falsely condemned by the jealous gods of the mundanes, unthinking, filthy avatars of the Demiurge and-"

The Lemurian princess continued her rant, but by this point, Marco and Tom had heavily tuned out, still finding the whole door issue to be more prominent.

"Riiiight, so Tom...should I tell her?"

"Eh, dont bother. This is kinda funny. Besides, you still owe me an explanation as to what the hell...this thing is."

* * *

Echo Creek Penitentiary was an absolute mess. Not that it was ever in very good condition, what with lackluster standards that the recently privatized institution adopted, but the full scale riot simply made things worse. All it took was an incident in the cafeteria involving lemons, a flaring gang rivalry, and some VERY bad taste in music, which soon spiraled into a hellstorm as guards and prisoners alike fought tooth and nail over whether _In The Aeroplane Over The Sea_ was just a "meme album".

Yes, really. Dont ask, you'll just end up more confused.

This rather unladylike scene just so happened to be what Janna and Star were observing, from the safe distance of the outer walls. From their vantage point, they were relatively shielded from the gunfire in the central complex, and could instead observe the nunchuck fight breaking out in the courtyard over a package of twinkies. You know, usual stuff.

"Man, I'm telling you," said Janna in between handfuls of popcorn, "these people will fight over anything you throw at them. In fact, watch this." She then stood on top of the wall, brought out a megaphone, and uttered the forbidden topic...

"SO, WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE BATTLESTAR GALACTICA ENDING?"

Almost immediately, there was an increase in explosions from the main compound, and the nun chuck-wielding warriors had now changed tactics to attempting to eat their opponent. "And that," she said smugly, "is why television shows are serious business."

The Mewman princess seemed entirely less impressed. "I thought you said this was instigated by some kind of...football gang? I dont see any footballs."

"NAZBOL gang." Janna corrected. "And yeah, they're here, I think. The reports of their involvement...may have been greatly exaggerated, but they're here. Look! Their flag is going up right now!"

Sure enough, as the western complex fell into utter chaos, a red flag bearing a white circle containing a black hammer and sickle was masted on top of the building. On the same building, a banner of Pol Pot wearing a Darth Vader helmet was unfurled, only to fall off the side entirely because somebody up there neglected to secure it. Such is the way of the world.

"You know, I gotta say," said Star, "their ideas are idiotic, but their aesthetics are so cool looking that I really cant complain about them!"

"HALT, THOTS! THOU SHALT PROCEED NO FURTHER!"

The two girls turned and gazed downward to find themselves faced with a dozen or so young adults with various forms of makeshift armor, a giant banner of Strausser, and quite a few Nazbol armbands that looked a little too close to Nazi armbands. One of them, a rather short man who looked to be the leader of the group, boasted not only a Darth Vader helmet, but also a red and black airsoft gun.

"Uuuh, hey guys." said Janna, not particularly off-put by the sudden appearance of this ragtag group. "We dont mean any harm, we're just, uh, admiring your handiwork."

"Be that as it may," the helmeted midget boomed "this zone is controlled by the Nazbol Gang, and I'm afraid you're in direct violation of one of our main ordinances!"

"Oh really?" grumbled Star. "And what exactly are we violating?"

This time around, a slightly taller person wearing a bandanna spoke up. "Eh, well, one of our key rules is that thots are strictly prohibited in Nazbol territory. Since we do not have the means to properly detect-"

"Thots? The heck's that?" asked Star

"It's an acronym, meaning That Hoe Over There." Janna clarified.

"AS WE WERE SAYING" the helmeted midget continued, cutting off his comrade, "because we do not yet have the means of properly screening women for pure maidenhood, we have temporarily determined that all first world women who are not Asian are impure whores, and thus DISQUALIFIED from the Nazbol Gang."

Janna began snickering quite profoundly at this sad excuse of a man and his pretensions. The magical princess, however, found it a lot less funny. "Excuse me?! Did you actually just call me a whore? I'll have you know-"

"C-calm down Star, they're just bantering." Janna continued to snicker, doing her best to avoid outright laughter. "Besides, I can clearly see there's a girl in your group."

The eleven other members of the crowd turned to the girl in question, who in a very soft voice proclaimed "Well, actually, I have a penis. So I dont qualify as a thot." The others found this a fair explanation and nodded, the general consensus being that traps were perfectly okay.

"Eh, they make a pretty solid argument. C'mon Star, let's go get a milkshake or something."

But alas, the princess refused to budge. "What do you mean by that?" she said, indignantly. "I mean, come on, that's not an argument! Not an argument! What kind of girl has a penis?"

"Uuuuh, Star, now is not a good time to get into an argument about transsexuals."

"Argument? I dont want an argument, I want to defend our honor! These clowns would have our maiden heritage besmirched in favor of _fake girls_!"

By now, the Nazbol girl was starting to cry. "Staaaaaaar," Janna pleaded, "I really dont think-"

"Well, I suppose it's time for a learning opportunity." Star retorted. "Because if there's anything Mephisto taught me in the past couple days, it's that one never shies away from battle! Engarde, LARPing scumbags!"

With that, Star jumped into the air and performed multiple impressive acrobatic flips as she drew out her wand to engage the Nazbol crowd below. This bunch of teenagers, rather than doing the reasonable thing and run, instead decided to bring out their makeshift shields and weapons, about half of which were not made of wood.

And though Janna begged Star to calm her titties, the princess was beyond reason. Her wand glowed a brilliant green as it drew in energy, the anger and resentment from being insulted by these literal manlets powering her magic. The Nazbols closed in, but before the man in the helmet could take a good swing at her, Star leaped into the air once again, her wand primed for firing. Now was as good of a time as any to try out that "Xen magic".

 _TANIN'IVER LIFTOACH NIA!_


End file.
